January 30, 2011

Gunshot Wound

G-Rated

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip Of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency Room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, & Then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants... I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

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January 29, 2011

Two Blondes with Hammers

G-Rated

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'

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January 22, 2011

Motel TV

PG-Rated

When I was checking into the motel the other day, I said to the lady at the desk "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

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January 20, 2011

Private Part

PG-Rated

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed and so Nurse Tracy asked him what was wrong.

'Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace, 'My Private Part died today, and so I'm very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes said things that sounded a bit crazy she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences on your loss'

The following day Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pants. He met Nurse Tracy.

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January 17, 2011

The neighbor's dog

G-Rated

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".

She goes downstairs.

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January 13, 2011

A Dads Response

G-Rated

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

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January 10, 2011

Swedish Virgin

PG-Rated

Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, takes a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said 'How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin - in every vay.'

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January 8, 2011

Three Little Pigs

G-Rated

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

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January 3, 2011

Wishes for the New Year

G-Rated

May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.

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January 2, 2011

Sara Makes A Call [PIC]

G-Rated

"Hi. This is Sarah Palin. Is Senator Lieberman in?"

"No, governor. This is Yom Kippur."

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January 1, 2011

How to spot a meth lab [PIC]

G-Rated

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