Redneck 911
PG-Rated
A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
See the rest of "Redneck 911"•
Aussie Tourism
G-Rated
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV,
how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die.
•
Thank you for your order
PG-Rated
DEAR MADAM:
THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR SEX TOYS SHOP.
YOU ASKED FOR THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.
See the rest of "Thank you for your order"•
The Hypnotist
PG-Rated
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.
Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'
See the rest of "The Hypnotist"•
Lemon Pickers Wanted
G-Rated
A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
See the rest of "Lemon Pickers Wanted"•
A guy gets mighty hungry [PIC]
PG-Rated
...after a long morning of digging latrines.
See the rest of "A guy gets mighty hungry [PIC]"•
The next time you think YOU had a bad day [PICS]
PG-Rated
See the rest of "The next time you think YOU had a bad day [PICS]"•
God Bless the Newfies
PG-Rated
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Newfie are all playing golf with their wives.
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee; and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
See the rest of "God Bless the Newfies"•
Date Rape Drug
PG-Rated
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A date rape drug on the market called "Beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.
See the rest of "Date Rape Drug"•
A Bad Day at Hallmark
PG-Rated
Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are in a bad mood?
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
•
Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot
G-Rated
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house - mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, ratty T shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes..
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:
See the rest of "Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot"•
Resimay
PG-Rated
To hoom it mei kansern,
I waunt to aply for the job what I saw in the paper.
I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..
I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well. Certain women and all the menn.
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.
See the rest of "Resimay"•
Canary No. 13
PG-Rated
Three women are at a cocktail party. Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
See the rest of "Canary No. 13"•
8 Words
PG-Rated
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car hood.
Male...........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male...........Playing football without a cup.
•
The Gong
PG-Rated
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
What's up with the big brass gong? one of his guests asked.
See the rest of "The Gong"•
