December 29, 2010

Flowers

G-Rated

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

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December 28, 2010

Louisiana

G-Rated

A senior in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."

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December 27, 2010

25th Reunion of the Dallas Cowboys' Cheerleaders [PIC]

R-Rated

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December 26, 2010

New Olympic Event [PIC]

X-Rated

Start Practicing...

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December 25, 2010

DOG PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS

PG-Rated

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny.

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December 24, 2010

Tragic news from up north! [PIC]

G-Rated

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December 22, 2010

The Morning After...

PG-Rated

I'm never drinking again.

I'm never drinking again

I'm never drinking again

I'm never drinking again

I'm never drinking again

I'm never drinking again

I'm never drinking again

I'm never drinking again

I'm never drinking again

I'm never drinking again

I'm never drinking again

I'm never drinking again

I'm never drinking again

I'm never drinking again

I'm never drinking again

I'm never drinking again

I'm never drinking again

I'm never drinking again

I'm never drinking again

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December 21, 2010

The Cow, The Ant and the Old Fart

G-Rated

A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"

The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"

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December 16, 2010

Alabama Deer Hunting

PG-Rated

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry ?" the others asked.

" Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

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December 10, 2010

Update on my surgery [PIC]

G-Rated

Dear Family and Friends,

Most of you know I went in for a surgical procedure for a Butt Lift. I didn't have the most pleasant experience. I should've left well enough alone.

I wanted to show you how it turned out. I hope this keeps YOU from having this done.

Please, PLEASE, PLEASE . . . don't get a Butt Lift. You will most certainly regret it!!

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December 7, 2010

Divorced Barbie

PG-Rated

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie dolls in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's how much? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

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December 5, 2010

Fable of the porcupine

G-Rated

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions even though they gave off heat to each other.

After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

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December 4, 2010

I'm rich!

G-Rated

Silver in the Hair

Gold in the Teeth

Crystals in the Kidneys

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December 2, 2010

The Army Captain

PG-Rated

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.

The Captain considers this, and finally said, 'I can't say that I condone it, but I can understand about the 'urges' and so the camel can stay.'

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