February 27, 2010

A Bad Day at Hallmark

PG-Rated

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are in a bad mood?

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

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February 26, 2010

Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot

G-Rated

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house - mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, ratty T shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes..

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:

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February 25, 2010

Resimay

PG-Rated

To hoom it mei kansern,

I waunt to aply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..

I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well. Certain women and all the menn.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.

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February 24, 2010

Canary No. 13

PG-Rated

Three women are at a cocktail party. Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

See the rest of "Canary No. 13"

February 23, 2010

8 Words

PG-Rated

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car hood.
Male...........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male...........Playing football without a cup.

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February 20, 2010

The Gong

PG-Rated

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

What's up with the big brass gong? one of his guests asked.

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February 19, 2010

I'm Still Waiting [PIC]

PG-Rated

I did what you asked.

I forwarded that email to 10 people...

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February 18, 2010

If you ever date a pilot... [PIC]

PG-Rated

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February 16, 2010

THE PARROT

PG-Rated

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

See the rest of "THE PARROT"

February 15, 2010

Whoops

PG-Rated

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little "whoops" and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Good looking as well as cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's.

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February 14, 2010

Canadian Weather

G-Rated

Well, it's February in Canada and we are bitterly reminded how the weather dictates what we can do outside and what we can't. It definitely shapes our lives and defines our tough Canadian psyches. We are a hearty, Northern people thriving in the Great White North.

Lately it has been particularly chilly in all parts of Canada. Ontario has had terrible snowstorms where the Army has been called in to help clear the streets. There was the "Big Ice Storm" in Quebec and parts of Ontario that folks still go on and on about. The Maritime provinces get their share of sea ice, hurricanes and blizzards too. And of course, it does get to 300 degrees below zero in Alberta and it's even colder in Winnipeg.

While we often hear of the great hardship faced by those in other parts of the country, the trials and tribulations of West Coasters are often overlooked. Here is a photo of the damage from the terrible coastal storm that passed through Vancouver last week. Most people stayed home and most schools were cancelled. It really makes you cherish what you have, and reminds us not to take life for granted.

Warning: Following picture is quite graphic and may not be suitable for younger viewers.

See the rest of "Canadian Weather"

February 13, 2010

The Cats' Bill Of Rights

G-Rated

1. Humans shall make no law respecting an establishment of boundaries or prohibiting the free exercise therein, or abridging the freedom of access, or the right to peaceful assembly. In other words: The cat is entitled to go outside anytime s/he wants.

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February 12, 2010

Never Piss Off Martha Stewart [PIC]

X-Rated

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February 11, 2010

Dear President Bush

PG-Rated

[This has gone around in several incarnations and variations, including appearing on the U.S. television show "The West Wing", and being referenced as an urban legend attributed as a letter to Dr. Laura at Snopes.com. Regardless, it's still funny and thought provoking.]

Dear President Bush,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly rejects it... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them:

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February 10, 2010

Onestone

X-Rated

Onestone

This was his Indian name given to him because he had only one testicle. After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

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February 9, 2010

Family

G-Rated

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

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February 8, 2010

Why God Gave Men Two Hands [PIC]

R-Rated

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February 7, 2010

Old Farmer

PG-Rated

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, What's that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster chucky. Wherever i go chucky Goes."

"I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent, "we can't allow animals in the Theatre."

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February 6, 2010

Games for When We're Older

PG-Rated

1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

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February 5, 2010

Dilemma

PG-Rated

Here's a dilemma for you.... With all your honor and dignity what would you do? This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally.

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February 4, 2010

Bra Sizes

PG-Rated

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

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February 3, 2010

How to Survive a Minnesota Winder [PIC]

G-Rated

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February 2, 2010

Had to Happen [PIC]

R-Rated

Had to happen, I guess -- others wanting a piece of the Janet Jackson publicity. Sad that it's come to this.

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February 1, 2010

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

PG-Rated

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass. I thought the results were pretty interesting.

85% of women think their ass is too big.

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