August 31, 2009

Swine Flu [PIC]

G-Rated


See below for further information regarding the Swine Flu Alert and the symptoms to be watching for, so that you can better protect your family, friends and loved ones. Staying alert and being informed to changes will better serve each of us.

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August 30, 2009

Sometimes, you hear what you want to ...

PG-Rated


A 92 year-old man goes to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor sees the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

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August 29, 2009

Say it isn't so ...

PG-Rated


Five men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a computer tech, and the fifth was a government worker.

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August 28, 2009

What an Awful Book

G-Rated


A blond stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

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August 27, 2009

Pardon me, do you have any ...

G-Rated


If you have children you will probably relate to this father.

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August 26, 2009

Norwegian Computer Virus

G-Rated


[Ed. note: I've seen floating around in various forms ... the Norwegians are simply the latest "target".]

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August 25, 2009

Top 25 Country Songs

PG-Rated


25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.

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August 24, 2009

The Bottle of Wine

G-Rated


For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

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August 23, 2009

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty in Golf, But Aren't

PG-Rated


10. Damn ... my shaft is bent.

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August 22, 2009

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty, But in Law, Aren't

PG-Rated


10. Have you looked through her briefs?

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August 21, 2009

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty, But at the Office, Aren't

PG-Rated


10. I need to whip it out by 5.

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August 20, 2009

World's Thinnest Books

PG-Rated


20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno

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August 19, 2009

Anatomy 101

PG-Rated


Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that connects ...

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August 18, 2009

The Benefits of Growing Older

PG-Rated


(and you thought there weren't any) ;-)

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August 17, 2009

Sign of a Job Well Done [PIC]

R-Rated

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August 16, 2009

The Lexus

R-Rated


A woman walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it.

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August 15, 2009

13 Rules of Life

PG-Rated


1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

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August 14, 2009

The Nurse

PG-Rated


A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

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August 13, 2009

A WEEK AT THE GYM

R-Rated


Dear Diary...

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the sweet dear) purchased me a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape (from playing on my high school softball team), I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Bruce, who described himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor, and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my sudden enthusiasm to get started.

Well, the club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress, so here it goes:

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August 12, 2009

Soldier on a train

PG-Rated


The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

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August 11, 2009

A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)

PG-Rated


The new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

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August 10, 2009

Ah, the French

PG-Rated


There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.

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August 9, 2009

Pierre, zee fighter pilot!

R-Rated


Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"

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August 8, 2009

Five?

PG-Rated


A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.

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August 7, 2009

The Bathing Suit

PG-Rated


When I was a child, the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift; they did a good job. Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

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August 6, 2009

Light Bulb Joke

PG-Rated


Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

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August 5, 2009

Things to Say When Stressed at Work

X-Rated


1."Okay, okay! I take it back ...

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August 4, 2009

Top 8 Idiots of 2002

G-Rated


Number One Idiot of 2002

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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August 3, 2009

Getting Older

G-Rated


I have been guilty of looking at others my own age and thinking... surely I cannot look that old.........I'm sure you've done the same......You may enjoy this short story....

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August 2, 2009

Happy Little Fly

PG-Rated


A happy, little fly was buzzing around a barn one day, when she happened upon a large pile of fresh horse manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.

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August 1, 2009

If Only It Were This Easy [PIC]

G-Rated

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