November 29, 2008

A RIDDLE

PG-Rated

Schwartzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use his.

See the rest of "A RIDDLE"

November 28, 2008

Poison

PG-Rated

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

See the rest of "Poison"

November 27, 2008

What a Racket! [PIC]

R-Rated

Yesterday, one of my neighbors was car-hijacked at a traffic light! A young woman proposes to wash your car window while you wait at the red light, and another one takes advantage of it to open the back door and steal everything she can grab. Be warned, they are very well organized!

Don't leave your doors or windows open if you drive up to a red light!

If your windows get washed . . .Don't look at them, they try to distract you.

Please inform your friends of this new scam. They have gotten me 10 times already.

I got a picture so you'll know what to watch out for:

See the rest of "What a Racket! [PIC]"

November 26, 2008

Digital Camera For Sale [PIC]

G-Rated

One of my friends is selling his digital camera off cheap as he will be staying in hospital for a long time and doesn't need it.

To get an idea of the picture quality, this is the last shot he took with it:

See the rest of "Digital Camera For Sale [PIC]"

November 25, 2008

The First Man

PG-Rated

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and persuades her to come back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?"

She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying.

See the rest of "The First Man"

November 24, 2008

Deathbed Request

G-Rated

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

See the rest of "Deathbed Request"

November 22, 2008

Headlines

G-Rated

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

See the rest of "Headlines"

November 21, 2008

The Curse

PG-Rated

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

See the rest of "The Curse"

November 20, 2008

Larry's Bar

G-Rated

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

See the rest of "Larry's Bar"

November 19, 2008

Life after Death

G-Rated

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir," the new employee replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine, " the boss went on.

See the rest of "Life after Death"

November 18, 2008

The Screw

PG-Rated

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" He says.

"That's cool." Says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

See the rest of "The Screw"

November 17, 2008

SNORKELING IN MINNESOTA [PIC]

G-Rated

See the rest of "SNORKELING IN MINNESOTA [PIC]"

November 16, 2008

All Dogs Go To Heaven [PICS]

G-Rated

Supposedly two churches across the street from each other...

See the rest of "All Dogs Go To Heaven [PICS]"

November 15, 2008

I'd like to see the president...

G-Rated

One sunny day in 2009 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He finally approached the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'

The Marine looked at the man and said, 'Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.'

The old man said, 'Okay' , quietly, and walked away.

See the rest of "I'd like to see the president..."

November 14, 2008

Get a Dog

G-Rated

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say its not quite as good as his mothers

...then buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want ...

See the rest of "Get a Dog"

November 13, 2008

Two Men Fishing

G-Rated

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

See the rest of "Two Men Fishing"

November 10, 2008

Three Knots

PG-Rated

An old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?? '

See the rest of "Three Knots"

November 9, 2008

Spanking Alternative [PIC]

G-Rated

Most of the American populace thinks it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.'

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.

Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

See the rest of "Spanking Alternative [PIC]"

November 8, 2008

Indian Student

R-Rated

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said,

"Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!'

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

See the rest of "Indian Student"

November 7, 2008

The Lawyer and the Redneck

G-Rated

A lawyer and a redneck are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that rednecks are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game. The redneck is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, "This game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. You ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

See the rest of "The Lawyer and the Redneck"

November 6, 2008

Dominated

G-Rated

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

See the rest of "Dominated"

November 5, 2008

Palin and the Pope

G-Rated

Sarah Palin is invited to meet with the Pope while he is vacationing south of Rome in Venice .

The liberal press reluctantly watches the semi-private audience, hoping they will be able to allot minimal coverage, if any.

The Pope asks Governor Palin to join him on a Gondola ride through the canals of Venice .

They are admiring the sights and agreeing on moral issues when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.

See the rest of "Palin and the Pope"

November 4, 2008

Happy Election Day [PIC]

G-Rated

Breakfast of ... champions?

See the rest of "Happy Election Day [PIC]"

November 3, 2008

Broom Love

G-Rated

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

See the rest of "Broom Love"

November 2, 2008

Ad of the Year [PIC]

PG-Rated

This one should get the prize...

See the rest of "Ad of the Year [PIC]"

November 1, 2008

10 Year Old Blues

G-Rated

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

See the rest of "10 Year Old Blues"