May 31, 2008

Waiting for a miracle [PIC]

G-Rated

I did what you told me...

I sent the email to 10 people like you said.

I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen:

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May 30, 2008

International sign For Gasoline [PIC]

PG-Rated

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May 29, 2008

True Friendship - None of that Sissy Crap

PG-Rated

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces- Just the stone cold truth of great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on mountain dew.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

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May 28, 2008

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

PG-Rated

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

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May 27, 2008

The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets

G-Rated

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, 'I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

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May 26, 2008

After being married for 42 years

PG-Rated

After being married for 42 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'Honey, 42 years ago we had a cheap Apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a little 10-inch Black and White TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 19 year old chick !

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May 25, 2008

The Banana Test

G-Rated

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by. They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.

So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds

Got your answer?

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May 24, 2008

Wedding Ring

PG-Rated

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his, uh ... let's call it his hoho.

According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his hoho while he was asleep.

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May 22, 2008

When Insults had class!

G-Rated

These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

1) The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, 'If you were my husband I'd give you poison,' and he said, 'If you were my wife, I'd drink it.'

2) A member of Parliament to Disraeli: 'Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.' 'That depends, Sir,' said Disraeli, 'whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.'

3) 'He had delusions of adequacy.' - Walter Kerr

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May 21, 2008

US Election Take From Denmark

R-Rated

We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election.

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May 20, 2008

Living in 2008

G-Rated

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

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May 19, 2008

Interesting "Facts"

G-Rated

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.

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May 18, 2008

Wisdom

PG-Rated

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

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May 17, 2008

Pantyhose Quiz

PG-Rated

Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

Now, think about it...

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May 16, 2008

Things You Shouldn't Find in Your Garden [PICS]

PG-Rated

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May 15, 2008

Circumcised

PG-Rated

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

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May 13, 2008

A Bull Story [PICS]

PG-Rated

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.

We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

image
THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

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May 12, 2008

Golf Course Tips

PG-Rated

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

2. Form a loose grip.

3. Keep your head down.

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May 4, 2008

When you know you are a Redneck

PG-Rated

1.You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

3. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

4. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.

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May 3, 2008

Keyboard for REAL Programmers [PIC]

G-Rated

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May 2, 2008

Oops [PICS]

G-Rated

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May 1, 2008

Horse For Sale

R-Rated

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse he has for sale. The buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy. He's a midget with a speech impediment."

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