February 29, 2008

Six Again

G-Rated

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

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February 28, 2008

TOILET STALL WISDOM

PG-Rated

Friends don't let friends take home ugly men.

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"

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February 27, 2008

Senior Moments

G-Rated

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way.

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February 26, 2008

The Cab Driver

PG-Rated

A mother and daughter were riding in a cab though New York City daughter noticed some scantily clad women loitering on a street "Mommy," the little girl asked, "what are all those ladies doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to come home from work." the mother answered.

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February 25, 2008

Cats and Dogs [PICS]

G-Rated

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February 24, 2008

Tea Service

G-Rated

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

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February 23, 2008

GPS to be replaced [PIC]

R-Rated

GPS TO BE REPLACED WITH THE TPNS (TWO POINT NAVIGATION SYSTEM)

You can now throw away your GPS, radar or magnetic compass.

Getting to where you want to go can now be achieved by using the new Two Point Navigation System (TPNS). TPNS does not require passing satellites or any power source and looks attractive on any vessel. Fitting TPNS is more than half the fun, as it can be mounted anywhere. Join the growing band of happy navigators that find so much relief and satisfaction in using the Two Point Navigation System...

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February 22, 2008

A Simple Truth [PIC]

PG-Rated

Even when you're having the worst day of your life...

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February 21, 2008

Colonoscopies

PG-Rated

A Gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients while he was performing colonoscopies...

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February 20, 2008

Bad Dog! [PIC]

PG-Rated

There you are,

Having a dinner party.

Your parents are there, your in-laws are there, your boss and his wife are there, the minister and his wife are there.

You're all settling down for a nice relaxing evening dinner...

Then in walks the dog:

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February 19, 2008

Working Wife...

G-Rated

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

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February 18, 2008

Are you sure you want to retire?

PG-Rated

Even if you're not a grandparent you will enjoy this. A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:

We always spend our vacation with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big, brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.

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February 17, 2008

Personal Training Diary

PG-Rated

Dear Diary,

For my 60th birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

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February 16, 2008

HOW THE STICK PEOPLE BECAME EXTINCT [PIC]

R-Rated

A sad, sad story - but It had to be told.

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February 9, 2008

The New Birds and Bees

PG-Rated

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

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February 8, 2008

The Elderly Golfer

G-Rated

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. 'That's it', he tells his wife. I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad... once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went.'

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, 'Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try'.

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February 7, 2008

Popcorn [PICS]

R-Rated

Urgent warning from Iowa: why you shouldn't use corn-on-the-cob as a vibrator.

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February 6, 2008

Mother's Milk

PG-Rated

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mothers Milk,' worth 70 points or none at all. One student who had also partied the night before, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

He wrote:

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February 1, 2008

Barb and Rose

G-Rated

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there."

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

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