March 31, 2006

Proof of Purchase

G-Rated

A little old lady went to the grocery store & put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl, "Nothing but the best for my little kitten."

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, & the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

See the rest of "Proof of Purchase"

March 30, 2006

Another 404-Not Found

R-Rated

Finally, a 404 page that's honest.

See the rest of "Another 404-Not Found"

March 29, 2006

Tax Cuts: Democrat and Republican Style

G-Rated

"The Democrats' Version of Tax Cuts"

If you don't understand the Democrats' version of tax cuts (and you are not alone), maybe this will help explain it:

50,000 people went to a baseball game, but the game was rained out. A refund was then due.

The team was about to mail refunds when the Congressional Democrats stopped them and suggested that they send out refund amounts based on the Democrat National Committee's interpretation of fairness.

See the rest of "Tax Cuts: Democrat and Republican Style"

March 28, 2006

Sexual Harassment Grievance

R-Rated

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells good.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

See the rest of "Sexual Harassment Grievance"

March 27, 2006

Only in Alaska

PG-Rated

The day after losing his wife in a boating accident, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Tell me! Did you find her?" the man cried.

See the rest of "Only in Alaska"

March 26, 2006

Rich Man, Poor Man

R-Rated

A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they gave their wives for their anniversary. The rich man says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Benz."

Poor man asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?"

See the rest of "Rich Man, Poor Man"

March 25, 2006

A QUICK BEER BEFORE IT STARTS

PG-Rated

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts".

See the rest of "A QUICK BEER BEFORE IT STARTS"

March 24, 2006

The Confessional

PG-Rated

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

See the rest of "The Confessional"

March 23, 2006

Where babies come from

R-Rated

One afternoon, a little girl returned home from school and announced that a friend had told her where babies come from.

Amused, her mother replied, "Why don't you tell me all about it?"

See the rest of "Where babies come from"

March 22, 2006

Don't ya wish your boyfriend was hot like this...

PG-Rated

See the rest of "Don't ya wish your boyfriend was hot like this..."

March 21, 2006

Revenge

R-Rated

A boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it,she saw the boy and asked what he wanted. He said "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

See the rest of "Revenge"

March 20, 2006

Dictionary II

PG-Rated

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

See the rest of "Dictionary II"

March 19, 2006

Dictionary I

R-Rated

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish.....................................49

Adventurous...............Slept with everyone

Athletic.............................No boobs

See the rest of "Dictionary I"

March 18, 2006

What do you feel?

PG-Rated

A 'touchy-feelie' reporter, while interviewing a Marine sniper, asked, "What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist."

See the rest of "What do you feel?"

March 17, 2006

And the Mother of the Year award goes to...

R-Rated

See the rest of "And the Mother of the Year award goes to..."

March 16, 2006

The Computer in Spanish

G-Rated

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

See the rest of "The Computer in Spanish"

March 15, 2006

The Outhouse

G-Rated

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

See the rest of "The Outhouse"

March 14, 2006

An Example of XML

R-Rated

See the rest of "An Example of XML"

A little something to offend everyone

R-Rated

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

See the rest of "A little something to offend everyone"

March 13, 2006

Be careful what you wish for

R-Rated

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a Coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

See the rest of "Be careful what you wish for"

March 12, 2006

Romance Writing

G-Rated

Entries to a washington post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but the least romantic second line:

(1) Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

(2) I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

See the rest of "Romance Writing"

March 11, 2006

How to Stay Married

G-Rated

[Another one that's around in several variations... -Funnyman]

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

See the rest of "How to Stay Married"

March 10, 2006

Sign after Sign

PG-Rated

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. See the rest of "Sign after Sign"

March 9, 2006

Workplace Signs

PG-Rated

See the rest of "Workplace Signs"

March 8, 2006

Firewood?

PG-Rated

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in a long long line for judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven - others, though, were led over to Satan who threw them into a burning fire pit.

Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss the soul to one side in a small pile.

See the rest of "Firewood?"

March 7, 2006

Medicare Explained

G-Rated

WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: 'I don't really understand. How is the new plan going to fix the problem?'

Verbatim response: PRESIDENT BUSH:

See the rest of "Medicare Explained"

March 6, 2006

Orignal Computer

R-Rated

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

See the rest of "Orignal Computer"

March 5, 2006

Dress Code

PG-Rated

Many of us over 50, or on the way to 50, are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

See the rest of "Dress Code"

March 4, 2006

Bee Sting

R-Rated

A young woman dressed in shorts had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee," she said.

See the rest of "Bee Sting"

March 3, 2006

Men and Women

G-Rated

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river.

Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river"

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

See the rest of "Men and Women"

March 2, 2006

The Safe Sex Dress

R-Rated

See the rest of "The Safe Sex Dress"

March 1, 2006

Oh, Canada!

G-Rated

Now that Vancouver, Canada has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, people from all over the world are asking questions about the country. Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism website. Obviously the answers are a joke, but the questions are real...

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?( UK)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

See the rest of "Oh, Canada!"