September 26, 2005

Sheriff's car

G-Rated

The Kern County, California, Sheriff's Department orders plain white patrol units and has the graphics applied locally. In this case, what they ordered was not quite what they got.

This car was driven for 1 week before an officer noticed what the graphics company employee did on the passenger side of the car. The employee did this on his last day working for the graphics company before he retired.

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Irish Last Request

PG-Rated

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

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September 24, 2005

Apples and Wine

G-Rated

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

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Reading Test

I’ve been told this was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!

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September 20, 2005

Depressed George

G-Rated

A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worse than usual."

He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the holdup?"

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September 19, 2005

Two Old Guys

G-Rated

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

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September 18, 2005

Your Two Minute Management Course

PG-Rated

Lesson 1:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing?”

The eagle answered, “Sure, why not.”

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September 14, 2005

Eve's side of the story

PG-Rated

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied.

"The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

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Good Advice

G-Rated

When you are deep in trouble, say nothing, and try to look inconspicuous...

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September 13, 2005

The Heedless Congregation

G-Rated

A preacher, trying to get a point across to his heedless congregation was nearly at wit's end, when he came up with this "illustration."

Say we have a table, and upon this table are 4 jars. In jar #1 there is alcohol. Jar #2 is full of smoke. Jar#3 contains chocolate. The last jar contains good, clean soil. Into each of these jars we drop a worm. The worm in jar #1 dies, ditto the worms in jars #2 and #3, yet the worm in jar #4 lives a healthy life. "What, asks the preacher, does this say to each of you?"

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September 11, 2005

Memory Bank

G-Rated

A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably coifed and shaved perfectly applied, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.

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September 10, 2005

22 Lines To Make You Smile

G-Rated

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

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September 8, 2005

Slow Down!

G-Rated

You'll know you are driving too fast if you glance in the back seat and see this!

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September 7, 2005

What's on YOUR forehead?

PG-Rated

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so."

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September 6, 2005

Welfare

PG-Rated

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight to the counter and says, "Hi... you know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

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A Chicken, a Horse and a Harley Davidson

PG-Rated

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

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September 4, 2005

You have the right to be offended

G-Rated

You have the right to be offended.
You have the right to ignore that which offends you.
You have the right to your opinion, and to defend that opinion if questioned.

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Predicament:

PG-Rated

Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

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September 2, 2005

Irish Cemetery

G-Rated

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

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