The 5 questions most feared by men

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, Dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

• Baseball.
• Football.
• How fat you are.
• How much prettier she is than you.
• How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you."

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Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, Dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

• Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
• Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
• That depends on what you mean by love.
• Does it matter?
• Who, me?

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Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:

• Compared to what?
• I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
• A little extra weight looks good on you.
• I've seen fatter.
• Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

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Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

• Yes, but you have a better personality
• Not prettier, but definitely thinner
• Not as pretty as you when you were her age
• Define pretty
• Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

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Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not, don't you like being married ?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurt look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Shit!