Southern Advice

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If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:
If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them; just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Don't buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big ol' truck or 'big ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

Be advised that 'He needed killin' is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their Mammas taught them how to aim.

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes .. The South has 'mater samiches.

The North has coffee houses .. The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services .. The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives .. The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names .. The South has double first names.

The North has Ted Kennedy .. The South has Edwin Edwards.

The North has an ambulance .. The South has an am-a-lance.

The North has Cream of Wheat .. The South has grits.

The North has green salads .. The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters .. The South has crawfish.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call them biscuits.


March 26, 2009 1798

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