Dear Diary,
For my 60th birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still
in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model
for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my
progress.
MONDAY :
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She
is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling
white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I
enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class
after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my
sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time
she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY :
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the d o or. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the
full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!!
It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY :
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter
and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on
top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting
that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky
for early in the morning; and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that
is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me
on the stair 'monster'. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me
get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other bullshit too.
THURSDAY :
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an
hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out
with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She
sent another skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the
rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY :
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic
little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor,
don't hand me the Damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?
SATURDAY :
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash
the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV
remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank
GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter Rachel
(the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or
a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have
sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
