One-lines, old & new

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

45 minutes.

Why are men and parking spaces alike?

Because all the good ones are taken and the only ones left are disabled.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

Why does the bride always wear white?

Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what will you have?

Divorce proceedings.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?

Everyone has the same DNA.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?

They're hiring.