Oh, to be the dog...

Notice to People Who Visit My Home:

1. The dog lives here. You don't.

2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. Yes, they have some disgusting habits. So do I and so do you. What's your point?

4. OF COURSE they smell like a dog.

5. It's their nature to try to sniff your crotch. Please feel free to sniff theirs.

6. I like them a lot better than I like most people.

7. To you they're a dog. To me they're adopted children, who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly. I have no problem with any of these things.

8. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about whether they have the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the pups.

9. The same applies for the cats, except they will ignore you ... until you're asleep.