Forwarded Funnies http://www.forwardedfunnies.com/ 2008-07-26T07:00:00-08:00 What's in a Name? http://www.forwardedfunnies.com/whats_in_a_name_012571.html The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street is not just an athlete . . . she is now a nurse currently working at an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.

She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer.

]]> G-Rated Leo 2008-07-26T07:00:00-08:00 Toilet Cleaning Instructions http://www.forwardedfunnies.com/toilet_cleaning_instructions_012570.html 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

]]> G-Rated Leo 2008-07-25T07:00:00-08:00 MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE http://www.forwardedfunnies.com/men_are_just_happier_people_012569.html NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

]]> PG-Rated Leo 2008-07-24T07:00:00-08:00 Baked Beans http://www.forwardedfunnies.com/baked_beans_012566.html One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

]]> G-Rated Leo 2008-07-23T14:45:26-08:00 Tailgating http://www.forwardedfunnies.com/tailgating_012565.html A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

]]> G-Rated Leo 2008-07-22T18:10:48-08:00 You CAN get pregnant http://www.forwardedfunnies.com/you_can_get_pregnant_012564.html A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.

' Well actually, yes, I do.', she exclaimed..

'Does it hurt you?' he asked.

'No. I rather like it.'

]]> PG-Rated Leo 2008-07-21T11:39:38-08:00 Don't lose your Grandpa http://www.forwardedfunnies.com/dont_lose_your_grandpa_012560.html A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'

The cop asked, 'What's he like?'

]]> PG-Rated Leo 2008-07-20T09:34:16-08:00 If You See A Naked Lady... http://www.forwardedfunnies.com/if_you_see_a_naked_lady_012543.html One day there were two boys playing by a stream when they stumbled upon a naked woman frolicking in the water. After a few moments one of the boys turned and ran away.

]]> PG-Rated Leo 2008-07-14T07:00:00-08:00 Husband Mart http://www.forwardedfunnies.com/husband_mart_012541.html A store that sells husbands has just opened in San Diego where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

]]> PG-Rated Leo 2008-07-12T07:00:00-08:00 Romantic Contest http://www.forwardedfunnies.com/romantic_contest_012540.html These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

]]> PG-Rated Leo 2008-07-11T07:00:00-08:00 Cat Resolutions http://www.forwardedfunnies.com/cat_resolutions_012539.html My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

]]> G-Rated Leo 2008-07-10T07:00:00-08:00 Golf Story http://www.forwardedfunnies.com/golf_story_012537.html A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate shot tournament at his club. He teed off on the firsthole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway. Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife 'Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine.'

]]> G-Rated Leo 2008-07-08T07:00:00-08:00