Hallmark's Dysfunctional Greeting Cards

I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.

Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday....
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.

Happy Birthday!
(Inside card)Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and Arkansas)

Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
(Inside card) - What was I thinking?

Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband