TO: All Parents
CC: Good Little Boys and Girls
FROM: Santa Claus
SUBJECT: Contract Negotiations, NORTH POLE
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able
to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming
population of the earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North American Fairies
and Elves Local #209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois,
Wisconsin, and Michigan.
As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and
cookies, so keep that in mind.
However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of
the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all
the good boys and girls. However, there are a few differences between us, such
as:
- There is no danger of The Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These
toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
- Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave RC
cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a
pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
- Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead
of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time,
and Dasher's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
- You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and Blitzen..."
when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace,
on Martin, and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott, and Petty."
- "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you
also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
- As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off".
The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh as well. One is a
Ford logo with lights that race through the letters.
- The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your
negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves
Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds
as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
- Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure the wife
and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the
tree.
- And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like
"Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus
Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all
the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's
"Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want
for Christmas Is My Wife and My Trailer Back."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
(Member)
North American Fairies and Elves Local #209
