Are You Owned By Your Pets?

You Know You're Owned by Your Pets When.....

You have a mental list of people you'd like to spay or neuter.

You stopped at a house with a "Free Puppies" sign in the yard to have an Educational "Chat," and your kids had to post your bail.

Running out of paper towels is a household crisis.

You not only know all the characteristics of a good "stool," you discuss them at dinner.

Your checks have messages on them like "Subtract Two Testicles For Every Four Feet."

You not only allow pets on the couch, guests have to sit on the floor because the dog has "territorial issues."

Your chatroom handle is "Queen of Spayeds."

You needed a prescription to recover from "Old Yeller."

You've forwarded more warnings about the dangers of chocolate, onions and mistletoe than the National Centers for Disease Control has issued about anthrax and smallpox.

You wear white year 'round, not because you are flaunting a fashion law or belong to a religious sect, but because you have a Dalmatian, Great Pyrenees, Samoyed or white Persian at home.

The world would never guess from your "dog or kittyspeak" posts to e-lists that in reality you are chairman of the IBM corporation.

Vacuum cleaners in your household don't just die, they go out with more smoke and noise than the Taliban.

By the time you investigate different flea control products, their advantages and potential risks, natural versus chemical methods, and study the life cycle of the flea, any fleas have died of old age.

For relaxation, you went mall hopping with your girlfriends. Your eyes glazed over when you saw a sign in front of a pet shop, "20% Off All Puppies & Kittens," and you slapped three security guards before they got you safely contained in the manager's office.

You spend eleven months of the year preaching an appreciation and understanding of canine behavior and the nature of the dog, then you stick fake reindeer antlers on the dog and photograph him for your Christmas Card.

People are still talking about your spay-neuter holiday greeting from last year, "Deck the Halls with Balls of Collies."

Not only do family and friends think you go overboard with doggie holiday decorations, they've never seen a nativity scene where the holy family is depicted by Dobermans.