September 27, 2011

An Irish Woman

PG-Rated

[An old classic updated.]

An Irish woman of a "certain age" visited her doctor to ask his help in reviving her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?", asks the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"No a problem", replied the doctor. "Drop it in his coffee, he won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".

See the rest of "An Irish Woman"

September 26, 2011

More trouble at the airport metal detectors... [PIC]

X-Rated

See the rest of "More trouble at the airport metal detectors... [PIC]"

September 25, 2011

Memory Joggers

G-Rated

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

See the rest of "Memory Joggers"

September 24, 2011

Dear Dr. Laura

G-Rated

[this has been around for a while, and was also quoted/paraphrased on the U.S. TV show "The West Wing"]

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox ; Jew, - 'Homosexuality is an abomination! According to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned in any circumstance'. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet.

Dear Dr. Laura:

See the rest of "Dear Dr. Laura"

September 23, 2011

Who to Blame?

G-Rated

Let's see if I understand how America works lately .

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.

See the rest of "Who to Blame?"

September 22, 2011

On Aging

G-Rated

[Attributed to George Carlin...]

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!"

You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! ; That's the key.

See the rest of "On Aging"

September 21, 2011

A Confession

PG-Rated

An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two 19 year-old girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.

See the rest of "A Confession"

September 20, 2011

WHY MEN ARE NOT SECRETARIES

PG-Rated

Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife:

See the rest of "WHY MEN ARE NOT SECRETARIES"

September 19, 2011

REMINISCING

PG-Rated

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

See the rest of "REMINISCING"

September 18, 2011

COME AGAIN?

G-Rated

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they run?" he asked the clerk.

"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."

"Let's see the $2.00 model," he said.

See the rest of "COME AGAIN?"

September 17, 2011

The Dude

G-Rated

A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

See the rest of "The Dude"

September 16, 2011

MORE DUMB CRIME STORIES!

G-Rated

"A guy ordered a pizza to be delivered to his house. When the pizza guy arrived at his house, the resident robbed the pizza guy of all his money and the pizza at knifepoint. He let the pizza guy go, and was arrested at his house just minutes later." --Scott

See the rest of "MORE DUMB CRIME STORIES!"

September 15, 2011

24 hours to live

PG-Rated

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

See the rest of "24 hours to live"

September 14, 2011

The 11th Commandment...

PG-Rated

During a recent staff meeting in heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of various government officials had brought about the need for an eleventh commandment. They worked long and hard in a brainstorming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same majesty and dignity as the other ten. After many revisions they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be:

See the rest of "The 11th Commandment..."

September 3, 2011

Carolina Peaches

PG-Rated

A South Carolina farmer was selling his peaches door to door.He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"

See the rest of "Carolina Peaches"