August 30, 2011

Add-Ons

R-Rated

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department ; store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" Kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says "$101,237.64" Boss says ; "101,237.64? What in the world did you sell?"

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August 29, 2011

Now THAT's a catfish! [PIC]

G-Rated

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August 28, 2011

A Little Head?

R-Rated

A man walks into a bar and sees a well-decorated military officer sitting at the bar. He also notices that the man has a head about the size of an orange. So he walks up to the officer and says "That really is an impressive uniform, but I have to ask. What happened to your head?"

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August 27, 2011

What your puppy does when you're not at home [PIC]

G-Rated

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August 26, 2011

I NOT COME WORK TODAY....

PG-Rated

Carlos calls into work and tells his boss: "Ey, boss I not come work today. I really sick. I got head ache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work."

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August 25, 2011

The Train Ride

G-Rated

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

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August 24, 2011

Dear Abby

G-Rated

[It's been around for ever - this version arrived updated for current events.]

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth and one of my sisters, who lives in Pflugerville, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas. I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

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August 23, 2011

21 Ways to be a good Democrat

G-Rated

  • You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.
  • You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
  • You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.
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August 22, 2011

Things you have to believe to be a Republican today

G-Rated

  • Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
  • The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
  • Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
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August 21, 2011

Claude & Maude

R-Rated

Claude and Maude, both 91, lived in a senior residence. They met one day in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each others company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and she accepted. They had a lovely evening, and afterwards, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and, age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As both were basking in the glow of the magic moments they had shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts:

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August 20, 2011

Satan and the Old Man

G-Rated

A few minutes before church services start, everyone is sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, in a flash of light and a puff of smoke, Satan appears. The people scream and run out, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from Evil Incarnate. In seconds everyone is gone except for one elderly gentleman sitting calmly in his pew. Satan walks up to the old man and says, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replies, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asks.

"Nope," says the man.

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August 19, 2011

Photos making the rounds [PICS]

R-Rated

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August 18, 2011

HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

G-Rated

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

DACHSHUND: You KNOW I can't reach that stupid bulb!

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August 17, 2011

How It All Began

G-Rated

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

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August 4, 2011

Only a Farm Kid...

PG-Rated

A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home?"

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

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August 3, 2011

WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY NEXT SATURDAY [PIC]

R-Rated

Don't forget to mark your calendars.

WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY

Think this would get their attention?

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August 2, 2011

Sometimes

PG-Rated

Sometimes, when you cry, no one sees your tears ....

Sometimes, when you are worried, no one feels your pain...

Sometimes, when you are happy, no one notices your smile...

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August 1, 2011

Dear Abby

G-Rated

Dear Abby,

My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker but many of his co-workers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat. I don't know what to do. Signed, Frustrated

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