June 29, 2011

LONG LOST FRIEND

PG-Rated

In the men's room this morning, i was standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal when suddenly, for no discernible reason, he confided in me that he hadn't seen his penis in 15 years.

Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal information to a complete stranger, and not knowing what else to say and wanting to be helpful, i said ... "Why don't you diet?"

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June 25, 2011

New Church Members

PG-Rated

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

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June 24, 2011

Lonely Spinster

PG-Rated

A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

"HUSBAND WANTED, MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON."

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

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June 23, 2011

Caught

G-Rated

A Dutchman, a Frenchman, and an American are in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

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June 22, 2011

Never Trust the Hotdog Salesman [PIC]

X-Rated

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June 21, 2011

Zen Teachings

G-Rated

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

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June 20, 2011

Engineer Humor

G-Rated

A wife asks her engineer husband "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

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June 7, 2011

Worst Ethnic Joke Ever

PG-Rated

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian, an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant....

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June 4, 2011

Too Cute [PICS]

G-Rated

[Or as was captioned in the forwarded mail: "HUGE 'Awwww' factors..."]

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June 3, 2011

C-nile Virus

G-Rated

This virus is extremely dangerous.... BE CAREFUL Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems that there is a virus out there called the C-nile virus that even the most advanced AntiVirus programs cannot take care of, so be warned. It appears to affect those of us who were born before 1962!

Symptoms of C-nile Virus:

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June 2, 2011

A Blonde Guy

PG-Rated

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweat-ing and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

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June 1, 2011

Problems with the phone

G-Rated

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

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