May 31, 2011

The pain of being Blonde

G-Rated

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

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May 30, 2011

Redneck Pertection

PG-Rated

A redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: "I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a rubbers gonna cost me?"

The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."

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May 23, 2011

New Book [PIC]

G-Rated

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May 22, 2011

Sports Observation

PG-Rated

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

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May 21, 2011

Costco

PG-Rated

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a doctor."

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May 20, 2011

Laws

G-Rated

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

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May 19, 2011

THE KITCHEN BITCH . . .

PG-Rated

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train cause we're going down the tracks."

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May 18, 2011

Blondes against... [PIC]

G-Rated

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May 17, 2011

Saddam

PG-Rated

While trying to escape from Baghdad, Saddam found a bottle in the desert and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle, smiled and said, "Master, I am here to grant you one wish!"

"You ignorant unworthy daughter of a dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything!" barked Saddam.

The genie frowned and said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Saddam thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the inferior woman.

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May 16, 2011

Two Trees and a Woodpecker

PG-Rated

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?

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May 15, 2011

ALL PUNS INTENDED

G-Rated

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent..

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

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May 14, 2011

WHEN TO START CUSSING

PG-Rated

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

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May 13, 2011

Piggy Bank [PIC]

G-Rated

Look at my piggy bank after I filled up with gas this morning:

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