October 30, 2010

Corn Maze for Blondes [PIC]

G-Rated

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October 28, 2010

It Was a Dark and Stormy Night

G-Rated

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe....as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

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October 24, 2010

Redneck Fire Alarm [PIC]

G-Rated

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October 21, 2010

Classmates

G-Rated

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 50 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

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October 20, 2010

Shortest Joke Ever?

PG-Rated

A man walks in to a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but underwear made of Saran wrap.

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October 19, 2010

What are Friends for? [PIC]

G-Rated

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October 18, 2010

Quotes

G-Rated

Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what the hell happened. -Cora Harvey Armstrong

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73)

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. -Lily Tomlin

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears. -Geri Jewel

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October 12, 2010

Redneck Logic

PG-Rated

Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for four basic classes: Math, English, History and Logic.

'Logic?,' Larry says. 'What's that?'

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October 9, 2010

The Old Dog

G-Rated

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back. He greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

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October 4, 2010

Ralph

PG-Rated

The guys are all at a deer camp. No one wants to room with Ralph because he snores so badly. They decide it isn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they vote to take turns.

The first guy sleeps in with Ralph and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Ralph snored so loudly I just sat up and watched him all night."

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October 3, 2010

The Vasectomy

PG-Rated

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.

Before the procedure the nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.

When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table.

The man obeys.

The nurse then takes all of her clothes off, climbs on top, and has her way with him.

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October 2, 2010

Women's Health Issue

G-Rated

  • Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
  • Do you suffer from shyness?
  • Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
  • Do you suffer exhaustion from the day to day grind?
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October 1, 2010

The Fairy

PG-Rated

I met a fairy today who would grant me just one wish.

"OK, I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

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