June 27, 2010

The Ages of Woman

PG-Rated

When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend.

When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.

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June 26, 2010

Three Blondes

G-Rated

Three blondes died in an accident trying to jump the Grand Canyon. They are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question.

The question posed by St. Peter is - "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when we all get together, eat turkey and are thankful."

"Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter. Then he turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question - "What is Easter?"

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June 25, 2010

BP's Final Option [PIC]

G-Rated

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June 24, 2010

THE GOLFING NUN

PG-Rated

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior.. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can.

You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

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June 23, 2010

Reasons to Live In Canada

G-Rated

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA

1. Weed.
2. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges.
3. The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder.
4. The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar.
5. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
6. A university with a nude beach.
7. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
8. If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash.
9. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
10. Cannabis.

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June 22, 2010

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words [PICS]

G-Rated

More photos...

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June 19, 2010

THE WASH CLOTH

PG-Rated

There is not a woman alive today that won't crack up over this one!

I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynecologist.

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30am.

I had only just packed everyone off to work and school and it was already around 8:45am.

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June 18, 2010

It's True!

G-Rated

1. Big companies don't do business via chain letters. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. Proctor and Gamble is not part of a satanic cult or scheme, and its logo is not satanic. MTV will not give you backstage passes if you forward something to the most people. The Gap is not giving away free clothes. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on "just in case it's true."

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June 16, 2010

Safari

G-Rated

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in is direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep trouble now."

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June 14, 2010

THE TOP 14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR

PG-Rated

14. Pass My Shotgun
13. Psychotic Mood Shift
12. Pack My Stuff
11. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome

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June 13, 2010

Proper narrative descriptions

PG-Rated

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and  abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following:

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June 11, 2010

SOAB Fish!

PG-Rated

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

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June 10, 2010

Confession

PG-Rated

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

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June 9, 2010

On Sale...

PG-Rated

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One cent?' the man exclaimed...

He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

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June 8, 2010

The Statue

PG-Rated

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, and then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

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June 2, 2010

Woman's Creed

PG-Rated

Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning...

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