May 31, 2010
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.See the rest of "Like Father..."
May 29, 2010
A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.See the rest of "Spotted Owl"
May 28, 2010
The Truth in Thirteen Words
Inside every older person...See the rest of "The Truth in Thirteen Words"
May 27, 2010
Bill & Jerry in Flight
Jerry Falwell was seated next to Bill Clinton on a recent commercial flight. Once the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The President asked for a whiskey and soda. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he too would like a drink. Mr. Falwell replied, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen Cuban whore, than let liquor touch these lips."See the rest of "Bill & Jerry in Flight"
May 26, 2010
Lawyer's Wedding Night
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"See the rest of "Lawyer's Wedding Night"
May 23, 2010
The Hotel Bill
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:
My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George. After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decide to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.00.
I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high. I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use. 'But we didn't use them.' 'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.See the rest of "The Hotel Bill"
May 22, 2010
Awesome Senior Moment
Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent inter-action between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC. There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets, on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.
The elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"See the rest of "Awesome Senior Moment"
May 21, 2010
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.See the rest of "The Affair"
May 20, 2010
Butt Lift Gone Bad [PIC]
There's having no fashion sense, and then there's folks like this....See the rest of "Butt Lift Gone Bad [PIC]"
May 19, 2010
How do they survive?
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets", said the teenager at the counter.See the rest of "How do they survive?"
May 18, 2010
Optical Illusions [PICS]
Some fun optical illusions..See the rest of "Optical Illusions [PICS]"
May 16, 2010
A fact about men...See the rest of "Men [PIC]"
May 15, 2010
COOKING WITH DOG HAIR
The proper way to cook with dog hair--by Mary E. Wolley
Do you remember how embarrassed you were the last time you had company for dinner and when they dug several dog hairs from your best gourmet effort? This is because there is a right and a wrong way to cook with dog hairs.See the rest of "COOKING WITH DOG HAIR"
May 14, 2010
Actual Writings on Hospital Charts
- She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
May 12, 2010
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
And that will show you.
You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold,
May 11, 2010
The Ultimate Female Fantasy
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward her.
Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.'See the rest of "The Ultimate Female Fantasy"
May 9, 2010
THE PASTOR'S CAT...
A church pastor had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.
The kitty would not come down.
The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.
That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car.See the rest of "THE PASTOR'S CAT..."
May 8, 2010
Blondes Heading to Disneyland
Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT.See the rest of "Blondes Heading to Disneyland"
May 7, 2010
NEVER CHEAT ON A COUNTRY WOMAN!
A Country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.See the rest of "NEVER CHEAT ON A COUNTRY WOMAN!"
May 6, 2010
Mad Cow Disease
Steak anyone? How to identify if your cow has MAD COW disease ...See the rest of "Mad Cow Disease"
May 3, 2010
Uses For Chapstick!
We had this great 10-year-old cat named Jack who just recently died.
Jack was a great cat, and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on the mat in our bathroom.
We have three kids, and at the time of this story, they were 4 years old, 3 years old, and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loved Chapstick. LOVED it. He kept asking to use my Chapstick and then would lose it. Finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my Chapstick and explained he could use it whenever he wanted to, but he needed to put it right back in the drawer after he finished.See the rest of "Uses For Chapstick!"
May 1, 2010
When Plants Go Bad [PICS]
See the rest of "When Plants Go Bad [PICS]"