May 31, 2010

Like Father...

PG-Rated

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

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May 29, 2010

Spotted Owl

PG-Rated

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon.  There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.  She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

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May 28, 2010

The Truth in Thirteen Words

PG-Rated

Inside every older person...

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May 27, 2010

Bill & Jerry in Flight

PG-Rated

Jerry Falwell was seated next to Bill Clinton on a recent commercial flight. Once the plane was  airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.

The President asked for a whiskey and soda. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he too would like a drink. Mr. Falwell replied, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen Cuban whore, than let liquor touch these lips."

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May 26, 2010

Lawyer's Wedding Night

PG-Rated

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

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May 23, 2010

The Hotel Bill

G-Rated

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George. After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decide to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high. I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use. 'But we didn't use them.' 'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.

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May 22, 2010

Awesome Senior Moment

PG-Rated

Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent inter-action between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC. There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets, on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.

The elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"

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May 21, 2010

The Affair

G-Rated

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

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May 20, 2010

Butt Lift Gone Bad [PIC]

G-Rated

There's having no fashion sense, and then there's folks like this....

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May 19, 2010

How do they survive?

G-Rated

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets", said the teenager at the counter.

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May 18, 2010

Optical Illusions [PICS]

G-Rated

Some fun optical illusions..

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May 16, 2010

Men [PIC]

G-Rated

A fact about men...

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May 15, 2010

COOKING WITH DOG HAIR

G-Rated

The proper way to cook with dog hair--by Mary E. Wolley

Do you remember how embarrassed you were the last time you had company for dinner and when they dug several dog hairs from your best gourmet effort? This is because there is a right and a wrong way to cook with dog hairs.

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May 14, 2010

Actual Writings on Hospital Charts

G-Rated

  • She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
  • Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
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May 12, 2010

Cat Haiku

PG-Rated

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
And that will show you.

You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold,
Elevator butt.

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May 11, 2010

The Ultimate Female Fantasy

G-Rated

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying  an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the  woman could not take her eyes away  from him. The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare & walked  directly toward her.

Before she could offer her apologies  for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that  you  want me to do, no matter how  kinky, for $100, on one condition.'

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May 9, 2010

THE PASTOR'S CAT...

G-Rated

A church pastor had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.

The kitty would not come down.

The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car.

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May 8, 2010

Blondes Heading to Disneyland

PG-Rated

Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT.

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May 7, 2010

NEVER CHEAT ON A COUNTRY WOMAN!

PG-Rated

A Country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.

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May 6, 2010

Mad Cow Disease

G-Rated

Steak anyone? How to identify if your cow has MAD COW disease ...

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May 3, 2010

Uses For Chapstick!

PG-Rated

We had this great 10-year-old cat named Jack who just recently died.

Jack was a great cat, and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on the mat in our bathroom.

We have three kids, and at the time of this story, they were 4 years old, 3 years old, and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loved Chapstick. LOVED it. He kept asking to use my Chapstick and then would lose it. Finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my Chapstick and explained he could use it whenever he wanted to, but he needed to put it right back in the drawer after he finished.

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May 1, 2010

When Plants Go Bad [PICS]

PG-Rated

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