April 30, 2010

Now I Understand [PIC]

X-Rated

Have you always wanted to know why men like lesbians but women don't like gay men? Here's the answer!

See the rest of "Now I Understand [PIC]"

April 29, 2010

Molson, eat your heart out!!

PG-Rated

As a Canadian, you have to be extra vigilant. There are a lot of impostors out there. If you suspect that someone is falsely trying to pass themselves off as a Canadian, make the following statement - and then carefully note their reaction:

"Last night, I cashed my pogey and went to buy a mickey of C.C. at the beer parlour, but my skidoo got stuck in the muskeg on my way back to the duplex. I was trying to deke out a deer, you see. Damn chinook, melted everything. And then a mountie snuck up behind me in a ghost car and gave me an impaired. I was S.O.L., sitting there dressed only in my Stanfields and a touque at the time. And the Mountie, he's all chippy and everything, calling me a "shit disturber" and what not. What could I say, except, "Sorry, EH!"

If the person you are talking to nods sympathetically, they're one of us. If, however, they stare at you with a blank comprehension, they are not a real Canadian. Have them reported to the authorities at once. The passage cited above contains no fewer than 19 different Canadianisms.

See the rest of "Molson, eat your heart out!!"

April 28, 2010

Grandpa

PG-Rated

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

See the rest of "Grandpa"

April 26, 2010

Marriage and Religion

G-Rated

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

See the rest of "Marriage and Religion"

April 25, 2010

The Spoon

PG-Rated

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

See the rest of "The Spoon"

April 24, 2010

Tight pants

PG-Rated

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"

See the rest of "Tight pants"

April 23, 2010

A blonde calls the airline...

G-Rated

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

See the rest of "A blonde calls the airline..."

April 20, 2010

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

G-Rated

1. All the DNA is the same.

See the rest of "Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder"

April 19, 2010

Blonde on a Horse

G-Rated

A pretty blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but fails to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

See the rest of "Blonde on a Horse"

April 18, 2010

Single Woman

PG-Rated

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

See the rest of "Single Woman"

April 17, 2010

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS

G-Rated

(Retirement in the eyes of a child)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following...

See the rest of "RETARDED GRANDPARENTS"

April 15, 2010

Another problem caused by deforestation [PIC]

G-Rated

See the rest of "Another problem caused by deforestation [PIC]"

April 14, 2010

A Letter To Jessie James

PG-Rated

You fool! You cheated on Sandra Bullock? How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.

She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah. Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named "America's Sweetheart." You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porking away.

You are really a piece of work! You're the most hated a-hole cheater on the planet. How can you live with yourself? I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece dirt that you are:

See the rest of "A Letter To Jessie James"

April 10, 2010

Fluctuations

PG-Rated

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

See the rest of "Fluctuations"

April 8, 2010

32 UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

G-Rated

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

See the rest of "32 UNIVERSAL TRUTHS"

April 7, 2010

GARLIC WARNING [PIC]

PG-Rated

For years, doctors and scientists have told us that some foods are good for us, only to be told later that they are bad for us, and again they tell us that some foods are bad for us, and all the time they've been good for us.

There doesn't seem to be much proof either way to suggest what is good or bad, until now.

Looks like "YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT" is true !!!

See the proof below ...

See the rest of "GARLIC WARNING [PIC]"

April 6, 2010

Service Dogs [PIC]

G-Rated

Emergency Services has introduced trained service dogs to help cut costs.

Canines have been used for police work, search & rescue, tracking, service dogs, and a variety of other tasks.

Now they're assisting Paramedics and doing so at a much lower cost.

See the example below...

See the rest of "Service Dogs [PIC]"

April 5, 2010

Conversation in an Irish Bar

G-Rated

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?'

See the rest of "Conversation in an Irish Bar"

April 4, 2010

The Dark Side Of Women

PG-Rated

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

See the rest of "The Dark Side Of Women"

April 3, 2010

FOR SALE: Edmonton Oiler Tickets [PIC]

PG-Rated

I have 2 Edmonton Oiler season tickets for sale. It seems that my wife doesn't want to attend any more of their games as she doesn't like the person who sits in the seat next to us.

The picture below is a view from the seats.

Tickets will be sold to the highest bidder.

Current Bid: $4500 each

See the rest of "FOR SALE: Edmonton Oiler Tickets [PIC]"

April 2, 2010

Quiet Sex

PG-Rated

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife During a recent lovemaking session, 'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'

See the rest of "Quiet Sex"