January 31, 2010

What Did You Think I Said?

G-Rated

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to paradise. He was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end America's liberty, but you failed."

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January 30, 2010

How to Shower

PG-Rated

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.

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January 29, 2010

Kids and their Questions

PG-Rated

A Mother is driving her little girl to her friends house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite."

"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother leaves and the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, " ... all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

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January 28, 2010

Mid-life Musings

G-Rated

I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be....

Puhleeeeeeeze!

I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.

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January 27, 2010

New Boots

R-Rated

An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Arizona.Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

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January 26, 2010

Importance of Sex Education

R-Rated

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."

See the rest of "Importance of Sex Education"

January 25, 2010

Signs of the Times

PG-Rated

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."

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January 24, 2010

Word Play

PG-Rated

Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2003 winners:

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January 23, 2010

Top 10 Dog Peeves About Humans

PG-Rated

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny, not very funny at all.

See the rest of "Top 10 Dog Peeves About Humans"

January 22, 2010

Chinese Food [PIC]

G-Rated

I don't wanna know.

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January 21, 2010

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

PG-Rated

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

  • Indubitably
  • Innovative
  • Preliminary
  • Proliferation
  • Cinnamon
See the rest of "THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK"

January 20, 2010

SENIOR MOMENT

R-Rated

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.

See the rest of "SENIOR MOMENT"

January 19, 2010

Livestock and Processed Grass

PG-Rated

A stranger was seated next to little Tommy on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

See the rest of "Livestock and Processed Grass"

January 18, 2010

One of these is not like the others... [PIC]

G-Rated

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January 17, 2010

The Flower Show

PG-Rated

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over and said, "Life is sobering. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

See the rest of "The Flower Show"

January 16, 2010

The Dolphin Stress Test [PIC]

G-Rated

Please look at the attached picture of the two identical dolphins jumping in tandem out of the water.

Intensive psychological research has shown that the more differences you spot in the two dolphins, the more stressed you are. This is attributed to your concentration and recognition influences intensifying when stressed.

Be assured that the two dolphins are completely similar.

If you can spot any sort of difference without looking too hard, you are definitely stressed and should pack up work and go home immediately.

See the rest of "The Dolphin Stress Test [PIC]"

January 15, 2010

TOP TEN WAYS TO TELL IF MARTHA STEWART HAS BEEN AROUND YOUR DOG

G-Rated

10. There's potpourri hanging from his/her collar.

9. The dog's nails have been cut with pinking shears.

See the rest of "TOP TEN WAYS TO TELL IF MARTHA STEWART HAS BEEN AROUND YOUR DOG"

January 14, 2010

THE LONELY LITTLE BRAIN CELL

PG-Rated

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

See the rest of "THE LONELY LITTLE BRAIN CELL"

January 13, 2010

Dear Diary

PG-Rated

Day 1. Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

See the rest of "Dear Diary"

January 12, 2010

Pelosi and The Pope

G-Rated

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and says, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me."

See the rest of "Pelosi and The Pope"

January 9, 2010

Brains

PG-Rated

A three year old boy in his bath examined his testicles and asked, "Mommy, are these my brains?"

See the rest of "Brains"

January 8, 2010

How I feel about chain letters

PG-Rated

To all my friends, thanks to you sending me chain letters in the last year:

See the rest of "How I feel about chain letters"

January 6, 2010

Airline Conversations

PG-Rated

Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world:

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January 5, 2010

Apparently they *do* grow on trees now... [PICS]

R-Rated

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January 4, 2010

YABJ: Yet Another Blonde Joke

G-Rated

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

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January 3, 2010

A Scotch Christmas

G-Rated

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her."

See the rest of "A Scotch Christmas"