December 30, 2009

The Frog

PG-Rated

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, 'I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'

The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY.'!

So! The old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

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December 29, 2009

Nutritional Advice

G-Rated

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:

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December 27, 2009

My New Rolex

PG-Rated

My two lesbian Neighbors, asked me what I would like for Christmas. I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

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December 26, 2009

Tiger's New Endorsement Deal

PG-Rated

Since his little affairs have come to light, several of Tiger Woods' sponsors have dropped him.

However, Pfizer has decided to sponsor him for their new product.

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December 25, 2009

Cat Lovers Twelve Days of Christmas

G-Rated

Ok, sing along, cat lovers!

On the first day of Christmas when I brought home my tree My 12
cats were laughing at me

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December 24, 2009

Texas T-Bone

G-Rated

A husband and wife decide to dine out at the Texas T-Bone. The waitress comes to take their order and the husband says, "I'll have the 32 oz T-bone."

The waitress glances up from writing his order down and asks, "Sir, are you sure?"

He replies, "Yep."

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December 23, 2009

Advice for your Daughters

G-Rated

15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS

1. Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he's in diapers.

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December 22, 2009

Tiger Woods Christmas Card [PIC]

R-Rated

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December 21, 2009

Taming the Lion

PG-Rated

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking older man in his mid-sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

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December 18, 2009

I Request A Raise..

PG-Rated

To whom it may concern,

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

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December 17, 2009

Blonde Horse Rider

G-Rated

A 30 year old blonde decides to try horseback riding for the first time.

With no lessons, nor prior experience, she mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle..

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway.

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December 16, 2009

The Nursing Home

PG-Rated

Three mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old gent walked by. And one of the Grandmas called 'We bet we can tell you exactly how old you are!'

The old man said, 'There's no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

Another of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can. Just drop your pants and undershorts and we'll tell you your exact age.'

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December 14, 2009

Snow

PG-Rated

A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?"

"I can't tell you," the black man says. Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her.

On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"

"I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me," says the black man.

"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.

"Fine, my name is Snow." the black man replies.

See the rest of "Snow"

December 13, 2009

Post Turtle

G-Rated

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 70-year-old Texas rancher (whose hand had caught in a gate while working cattle), a doctor and the old man were talking about George W. Bush being in the White House. The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a post turtle."

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December 10, 2009

The Mammogram

PG-Rated

A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and giggling with delight. Her husband watched her for a while and then asked, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

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December 9, 2009

The Biker at the Bank

R-Rated

A crusty old biker walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window "I want to open a damn checking account."

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December 8, 2009

Naughty or Nice? [PIC]

R-Rated

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December 5, 2009

Dog Walking

PG-Rated

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."

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December 4, 2009

Words of Wisdom

G-Rated

The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered, around her trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused.

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December 2, 2009

Redneck Christmas [PIC]

G-Rated

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