May 31, 2009

Bad Seeing-Eye Dog

PG-Rated


A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day.

See the rest of "Bad Seeing-Eye Dog"

May 30, 2009

One-lines, old & new

PG-Rated


What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

See the rest of "One-lines, old & new"

May 29, 2009

A Message from California

G-Rated


A message from California, and our reply.

See the rest of "A Message from California"

May 28, 2009

Sins of the past?

PG-Rated


An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue. Yellow. The old man just stared.

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May 27, 2009

Ole

G-Rated


When Ole moved north he discovered that he was the only Lutheran in his new little town of all Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a problem with his barbecuing venison every Friday. Since they couldn't eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them.

See the rest of "Ole"

May 26, 2009

Cocoa & Viagra

PG-Rated


A young man was visiting his grandfather in the old folks home. It was getting late, and the grandfather said, "Well, time for bed. Gotta go get my cocoa and Viagra."

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May 25, 2009

Y'all Ain't from Around Here

PG-Rated


A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee wimp. The bartender looks up and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"

See the rest of "Y'all Ain't from Around Here"

May 24, 2009

A Matter of Perspective

PG-Rated


A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

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May 23, 2009

Feel like a...

PG-Rated


On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

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May 22, 2009

Roommates

G-Rated


A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep, the man in the upper berth, and the woman in the lower berth. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another blanket?"

See the rest of "Roommates"

May 21, 2009

Samurai

G-Rated


Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai, so he sent out a declaration throughout the country he was searching for one.

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May 20, 2009

Tree Math

PG-Rated


A Norwegian, Ole Oleson, came in to apply for a job. The boss didn't want to hire that #$%$ Norwegian, but didn't want to say so straight out because of Ole's reknown temper. So the boss thought & thought & came up with a solution.

See the rest of "Tree Math"

May 19, 2009

The Perfect Husband

G-Rated


There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

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May 18, 2009

Profanisaurus Update

X-Rated


[ed. note: Apparently mostly British expressions, but fun nonetheless. Warning: some rude stuff in this list.]

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May 17, 2009

Budget Cuts [PIC]

G-Rated

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May 16, 2009

The New US Stealth Fighter [PIC]

G-Rated

See the rest of "The New US Stealth Fighter [PIC]"

May 15, 2009

The Definition of Self Confidence [PIC]

G-Rated

See the rest of "The Definition of Self Confidence [PIC]"

May 14, 2009

A Hunting Story

PG-Rated


A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field. A few minutes later, the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son.

See the rest of "A Hunting Story"

May 13, 2009

Ten Rules of Housekeeping

G-Rated


1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

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May 12, 2009

To Women Everywhere, From the Men Who Have Had Enough

PG-Rated


1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

See the rest of "To Women Everywhere, From the Men Who Have Had Enough"

May 11, 2009

Republican Party Announcements

PG-Rated


The GOP National Committee announced that it is changing the Republican emblem from an elephant to a condom because it more clearly reflects the party's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects pricks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.


See the rest of "Republican Party Announcements"

May 10, 2009

Comeback Line of the Year

R-Rated


A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

See the rest of "Comeback Line of the Year"

May 9, 2009

Twenty Years of Sex

PG-Rated


When the Creator was making the world and all its inhabitants, he called man aside. I'm bestowing upon you," the Creator said, "twenty years of active sex life."


See the rest of "Twenty Years of Sex"

May 8, 2009

In the Restroom

R-Rated


Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

See the rest of "In the Restroom"

May 7, 2009

Sisters

G-Rated


Three sisters ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath.

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May 6, 2009

Here or Not

PG-Rated


Typical macho man married typical good-looking, sexy gal and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: 'I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?'

See the rest of "Here or Not"

May 5, 2009

5 Questions Men Hate

PG-Rated


The 5 questions most feared by men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

See the rest of "5 Questions Men Hate"

May 4, 2009

In the Desert

PG-Rated


A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

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May 3, 2009

Why Stick People Are Extinct [PIC]

R-Rated

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May 2, 2009

The Boots

PG-Rated


There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about this problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to the doctor to see what could be done.

See the rest of "The Boots"

May 1, 2009

New Element!

G-Rated


The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312.

See the rest of "New Element!"