April 30, 2009

Alligator Alert!

G-Rated


Due to the extreme drought in Florida, the following caution was issued: The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Seminole, Osceola, Polk, Brevard and Orange Counties.

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April 29, 2009

Women, Make a Choice [PIC]

PG-Rated

Tired of seeing all those dead beats standing on the side of the road wanting to work in exchange for something? I am!

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April 28, 2009

Boy, Girl

PG-Rated


Three women were sitting in an obstetrician's waiting room for their appointments. The redhead announces proudly, "I'm going to have a boy!" How do you know? one of the others asked. "I was on top, so I'm going to have a boy."

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April 27, 2009

Martha's Way or My Way?

G-Rated

Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

*****

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April 26, 2009

Maybe You Can Help [PIC]

G-Rated


I have something very important to share with you. I'm sending you this e-mail because I know that deep in your hearts you will find a way to help this little one. A few weeks ago the mother lion at the Toronto Zoo gave birth to her first little baby lion. But due to an unexpected illness the mother passed away leaving the baby all alone, with no one to look after him. The baby is now up for adoption, and is looking for new parents... but there is only one problem.

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April 25, 2009

What flavor is this?

PG-Rated


A College Professor was doing a study testing the senses of First Graders using a bowl of Life Savers. He gave all the children the same kind of Life Saver one at a time and asked them to identify them by flavor and color. The children began to say:

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April 24, 2009

Blonde Auto Repair

G-Rated


A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents. So the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out.

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April 23, 2009

Answering the Phone

G-Rated


A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

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April 22, 2009

Blonde on the Tracks

G-Rated

Two blondes were walking through the woods and came upon a set of tracks. One blonde said that they were deer tracks. The other blonde said they were moose tracks.

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April 21, 2009

The Blonde on the Other Side

G-Rated

So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo," she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?"

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April 20, 2009

Blonde Ransom Note

G-Rated

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 AM. Signed, "The Blonde."

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April 19, 2009

Easter Bunnies [PIC]

R-Rated

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April 18, 2009

Twirl First [PIC]

G-Rated

*This is exactly* why you should always, */ALWAYS/*... twirl once in front of the mirror before leaving the house. See the rest of "Twirl First [PIC]"

April 17, 2009

Why Raincoats Are Yellow [PIC]

R-Rated

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April 16, 2009

The Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

G-Rated


A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

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April 15, 2009

Not so funny

R-Rated


Little Johnny hears noises coming from his parent's bedroom and opens the door to find mom folded over the dresser naked and dad banging her hard from behind.

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April 14, 2009

Me Tarzan, You... Tree?

R-Rated


When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

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April 13, 2009

Stupid Alligator Tricks

PG-Rated


A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

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April 12, 2009

10 Again

G-Rated


A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"

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April 11, 2009

The Moral of the Story

G-Rated


The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

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April 10, 2009

Horses Do It, Queens Do It...

G-Rated


Air Force One stops at a bright red carpet along which President G.W. Bush strides to join Queen Elizabeth II in a beautiful, ornate 17th-century coach hitched to six enormous matched white horses.

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April 9, 2009

Too Drunk!

G-Rated


A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

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April 8, 2009

Doctor Said

G-Rated

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April 7, 2009

How to Talk to Women and Remain Politically Correct

R-Rated


She is not a babe or chick...she is a breasted American

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April 6, 2009

Farmer's Widow

G-Rated


Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

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April 5, 2009

Detective Story

G-Rated


This story concerns three elderly ladies, a large bottle of Jack Daniel's (Black Label), and a baseball game. In addition, you get to be a detective.

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April 4, 2009

But, first...

G-Rated


I have a condition often found in folks of my age. The scientific world has not yet officially recognized it as a disease. Therefor many other people may suffer from and may not as yet have been diagnosed. However, now you may be able to discuss it with your loved ones and try to explain what really happened to you all those times you tried so hard to accomplish something and didn't...

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April 3, 2009

Smart Dog

G-Rated


A man is sitting in a plane that is about to takeoff when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is seated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The airline rep said, "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."

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April 2, 2009

The Secrets of Women's Language - A must-read for any man

G-Rated


Keywords and their meanings:

"Fine": This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

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April 1, 2009

Some thoughts...

G-Rated


I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

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