February 28, 2009

Animal Organization

G-Rated

When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.

"What are you doing?" his Mom asked.

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February 27, 2009

New Fashion [PIC]

R-Rated

All I can say is ... ouch!

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February 26, 2009

Fast Catholics [PIC]

G-Rated

Here's how you can tell if a Catholic is driving too fast !!!

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February 25, 2009

Color Test

G-Rated

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.

I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued.

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February 24, 2009

Picking Up Grandma

G-Rated

When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.

"Is that your grandmother?" I asked.

"Yes, "Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."

"How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"

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February 23, 2009

New Math?

G-Rated

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, Johnny! "What are 3, 4, 28 and 44?"

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February 22, 2009

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

PG-Rated

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant.

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February 21, 2009

Holy Prostitutes

PG-Rated

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

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February 19, 2009

Ol' Blue

PG-Rated

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

See the rest of "Ol' Blue"

February 18, 2009

Yes Pecan!

PG-Rated

Ben & Jerry have created "Yes Pecan!" ice cream flavor for Barack Obama.

For George W. Bush they asked for suggestions from the public. These are (supposedly) some of their favorite responses: See the rest of "Yes Pecan!"

February 16, 2009

You Know You've Had Too Much Winter When ... [PIC]

G-Rated

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February 15, 2009

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

PG-Rated

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

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February 14, 2009

A Small Accident [PIC]

PG-Rated

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway.

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February 13, 2009

Leather Dresses [PIC]

PG-Rated

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???

Ever wonder why?

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February 12, 2009

7 degrees of Blonde

PG-Rated

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.

The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

See the rest of "7 degrees of Blonde"

February 11, 2009

What happens in Vegas

R-Rated

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?' Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'

Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind of money!'

The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner?'

See the rest of "What happens in Vegas"

February 10, 2009

Economic Stimulus Payment

G-Rated

This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

See the rest of "Economic Stimulus Payment"

February 6, 2009

The Terrorist and the Cork

R-Rated

Two terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.

"If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

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February 5, 2009

Study

PG-Rated

A study at the University of Missouri shows that the type of facial features that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending upon where she is in her menstrual cycle.

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February 4, 2009

Cows vs Pigs

PG-Rated

For all those men who believe that there's no reason to buy the cow when you can get the milk free:

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February 3, 2009

Carnation Milk Slogan

PG-Rated

A little old lady from New Orleans had worked in and around family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan... a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...." and she said, I know all about milk and dairy farms...I can do this!!!!

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February 2, 2009

Are You Ready for Children?

G-Rated

Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...

MESS TEST:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST:

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February 1, 2009

SHE'S HOME!

G-Rated

I hear it! I hear the car! HER car! And she's coming this way! Oh, oh, I must run in and grab a gift! I must greet her with a gift! Oh, 'BONK' missed the step. No matter, I must hurry. Move over, doggy door! She's coming, she's coming!

Gift, gift, where, what, oh, oh, oh, ah! A plastic bottle she drinks from, right here on top of the container they call trash!

Oh, perfect. She's coming, she's coming! Oh, oh, oh... The door! I hear the door sound that sounds right before she comes in!

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