February 28, 2009
When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.
"What are you doing?" his Mom asked.See the rest of "Animal Organization"
February 27, 2009
New Fashion [PIC]
All I can say is ... ouch!See the rest of "New Fashion [PIC]"
February 26, 2009
Fast Catholics [PIC]
Here's how you can tell if a Catholic is driving too fast !!!See the rest of "Fast Catholics [PIC]"
February 25, 2009
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.
I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued.See the rest of "Color Test"
February 24, 2009
Picking Up Grandma
When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.
"Is that your grandmother?" I asked.
"Yes, "Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."
"How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"See the rest of "Picking Up Grandma"
February 23, 2009
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, Johnny! "What are 3, 4, 28 and 44?"See the rest of "New Math?"
February 22, 2009
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant.See the rest of "WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED"
February 21, 2009
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.
Soon he sees another sign which reads:See the rest of "Holy Prostitutes"
February 19, 2009
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.See the rest of "Ol' Blue"
February 18, 2009
Ben & Jerry have created "Yes Pecan!" ice cream flavor for Barack Obama.
For George W. Bush they asked for suggestions from the public. These are (supposedly) some of their favorite responses:
See the rest of "Yes Pecan!"
February 16, 2009
You Know You've Had Too Much Winter When ... [PIC]
G-RatedSee the rest of "You Know You've Had Too Much Winter When ... [PIC]"
February 15, 2009
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.See the rest of "AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES"
February 14, 2009
A Small Accident [PIC]
To my darling husband,
Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway.See the rest of "A Small Accident [PIC]"
February 13, 2009
Leather Dresses [PIC]
Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???
Ever wonder why?See the rest of "Leather Dresses [PIC]"
February 12, 2009
7 degrees of Blonde
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'See the rest of "7 degrees of Blonde"
February 11, 2009
What happens in Vegas
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?' Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'
Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind of money!'
The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner?'See the rest of "What happens in Vegas"
February 10, 2009
Economic Stimulus Payment
This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
February 6, 2009
The Terrorist and the Cork
Two terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.
"If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"See the rest of "The Terrorist and the Cork"
February 5, 2009
A study at the University of Missouri shows that the type of facial features that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending upon where she is in her menstrual cycle.See the rest of "Study"
February 4, 2009
Cows vs Pigs
For all those men who believe that there's no reason to buy the cow when you can get the milk free:See the rest of "Cows vs Pigs"
February 3, 2009
Carnation Milk Slogan
A little old lady from New Orleans had worked in and around family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan... a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...." and she said, I know all about milk and dairy farms...I can do this!!!!See the rest of "Carnation Milk Slogan"
February 2, 2009
Are You Ready for Children?
Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST:See the rest of "Are You Ready for Children?"
February 1, 2009
I hear it! I hear the car! HER car! And she's coming this way! Oh, oh, I must run in and grab a gift! I must greet her with a gift! Oh, 'BONK' missed the step. No matter, I must hurry. Move over, doggy door! She's coming, she's coming!
Gift, gift, where, what, oh, oh, oh, ah! A plastic bottle she drinks from, right here on top of the container they call trash!
Oh, perfect. She's coming, she's coming! Oh, oh, oh... The door! I hear the door sound that sounds right before she comes in!See the rest of "SHE'S HOME!"