January 31, 2009

Nosey Neighbor

PG-Rated

Last Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."

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January 30, 2009

Dangers of Masturbation [PIC]

PG-Rated

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January 29, 2009

The Fishing Trip

R-Rated

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!

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January 28, 2009

On Enemies

PG-Rated

The preacher's Sunday sermon was Forgive Your Enemies. He asked, how many have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 percent held up their hands. He then repeated his question once again . All raised their hands, except one elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

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January 27, 2009

What's wrong with this picture [PIC]

PG-Rated

Take a look at this picture before you read the message below it:

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January 26, 2009

The Best Smart Ass Answers

PG-Rated

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

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January 25, 2009

What is Butt Dust?

G-Rated

What, you ask, is 'Butt dust?' Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

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January 24, 2009

The Black Bra

PG-Rated

I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

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January 23, 2009

Bra Sizes

PG-Rated

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

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January 22, 2009

What Religion is Your Bra?

PG-Rated

A man walked into the ladies department of Myer's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.'

What type of bra? asked the clerk?

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'

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January 21, 2009

Gotta Love Ted

G-Rated

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist, an animal rights activist.

The discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'

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January 20, 2009

Random Facts

G-Rated

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

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January 19, 2009

Sign Collection [PICS]

G-Rated

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January 18, 2009

Ever seen one like this? [PICS]

PG-Rated

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January 17, 2009

Kindergartener's Thanksgiving

PG-Rated

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.

"What did you do today?" I asked.

She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls" she chirped. Looking into the rearview mirror I could just see the top of her head.

"My teacher told us that boys have a thing the girls don't," she added.

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January 16, 2009

Looking for work...

G-Rated

An Israeli doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and has him looking for work in six weeks.

A German doctor says, That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

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January 11, 2009

WHERE is my SUNDAY PAPER?

PG-Rated

"WHERE is my SUNDAY PAPER?" demanded the loud, irate customer while calling the newspaper office.

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January 10, 2009

Men are like....

PG-Rated

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.

2 Men are like Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are..

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January 8, 2009

Updated Lyrics

PG-Rated

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include:

Bobby Darin :
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Herman's Hermits :
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker .

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January 7, 2009

Thanks to Your Concern...

PG-Rated

I just want to thank all my friends and loved ones for the educational emails over the past year...

Because of your warning I live in a zip-lock plastic bag with clean oxygen piped in after passing through 18 filters which are replaced each hour.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the channels.

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January 6, 2009

Six Step Management Course - Lesson 6

PG-Rated

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

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January 5, 2009

Six Step Management Course - Lesson 5

PG-Rated

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

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January 4, 2009

Six Step Management Course - Lesson 4

G-Rated

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

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January 3, 2009

Six Step Management Course - Lesson 3

G-Rated

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.

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January 2, 2009

Six Step Management Course - Lesson 2

PG-Rated

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

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January 1, 2009

Six Step Management Course - Lesson 1

PG-Rated

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

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