October 29, 2008

Confucius Say

PG-Rated

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day

Learn to masturbate, it come in handy

Man who drop watch in toilet have crappy time

Good for man to meet lady in park, better for man to park meat in lady

See the rest of "Confucius Say"

October 26, 2008

The Wedding Cake [PIC]

X-Rated

Never let the groom order the cake...

See the rest of "The Wedding Cake [PIC]"

October 25, 2008

The Gynecologist

PG-Rated

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

'Come now,' coaxed the doctor, 'you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me.'

'This one's kind of strange...'

See the rest of "The Gynecologist"

October 24, 2008

Hooters Girl Costume [PIC]

R-Rated

See the rest of "Hooters Girl Costume [PIC]"

October 21, 2008

Birthday Traditions

PG-Rated

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Bubba's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat ...

See the rest of "Birthday Traditions"

October 20, 2008

Math Quiz

G-Rated

Teaching Math in 1950:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:

See the rest of "Math Quiz"

October 19, 2008

Grandma's Birth Control Pills

G-Rated

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

See the rest of "Grandma's Birth Control Pills"

October 18, 2008

The Eulogy

PG-Rated

She married and had 13 children.

Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 children.

Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time she had 5 more children.

Alas, she finally died.

See the rest of "The Eulogy"

October 17, 2008

The Affair

PG-Rated

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he discovered the longest private part he had ever seen.

See the rest of "The Affair"

October 16, 2008

Flight Crew

PG-Rated

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Marvin sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right; is the captain a woman? I think I better have a whiskey and water." When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right, the captain is a woman?"

See the rest of "Flight Crew"

October 15, 2008

Golf Injury?

PG-Rated

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

See the rest of "Golf Injury?"

October 14, 2008

BEAUTIFUL

G-Rated

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"

See the rest of "BEAUTIFUL"

October 13, 2008

OLD FRED

G-Rated

Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good. Suddenly, he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on. The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies.

See the rest of "OLD FRED"

October 12, 2008

SENILITY

G-Rated

An old man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

See the rest of "SENILITY"

October 11, 2008

Retirement bonus

PG-Rated

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired immediately his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

See the rest of "Retirement bonus"

October 10, 2008

An Eskimo in Australia

R-Rated

An Eskimo was a bit bored with looking at the vast white emptiness and decided he needed a change of scenery, so he booked a holiday to Australia. Soon after arrival, he headed off to the wide green hills and valleys in an old motor car he rented. He was a few days into the tour when driving along a country road, suddenly the car started to stall cough and splutter. Then it conked out. After desperately trying to re-start it without success, he pulled up the bonnet, looked bewildered at the engine and sat down, defeated.

See the rest of "An Eskimo in Australia"

October 9, 2008

The Donkey

G-Rated

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, what ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

See the rest of "The Donkey"

October 8, 2008

Liquid Assets

G-Rated

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago you will have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG one year ago you will have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago you will have $0.00 today.

See the rest of "Liquid Assets"

October 6, 2008

Things to Ponder

PG-Rated

Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

See the rest of "Things to Ponder"

October 5, 2008

Westjet Airlines

PG-Rated

A mother and her young son were flying Westjet Airlines from Edmonton to Calgary. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer that wouldn't lead to items she was not prepared to discuss with her still-too-young son) told him to ask the stewardess.

See the rest of "Westjet Airlines"

October 4, 2008

Peeping Tom [PIC]

G-Rated

This girl I know lives on the 4th floor of an apartment, and even though it is a fairly good neighborhood, she has been having trouble with a Peeping Tom that lives next door...

Every time she goes out on her balcony to catch a bit of sun while wearing her bikini, this Peeping Tom looks over from his balco ny as soon as she removes her top, and stares at her...

She has complained to the superintendent about this Peeping Tom, but he says she must have positive proof before he can do a thing --

She FINALLY got a picture of him while he was staring at her...

See the rest of "Peeping Tom [PIC]"

October 3, 2008

Job Application

PG-Rated

A man applies for a job at the Post Office.

The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'

He says 'Yes - just caffeine'

'Have you ever been in the service?'

'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you five extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?

See the rest of "Job Application"

October 2, 2008

Under the Bed

G-Rated

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD AN INCEDIBLE FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM . . .

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

See the rest of "Under the Bed"