September 30, 2008
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."See the rest of "Pet Alligator"
September 25, 2008
WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REAL JOBS
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan all them kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saints RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."See the rest of "WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REAL JOBS"
September 24, 2008
Questions and Answers for 50 and over
Q. Where can men over the age of 50 find younger, sexy women who are
interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
September 23, 2008
Time Marches On
See the rest of "Time Marches On"
September 22, 2008
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financial and therefore you do not need a raise.
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
September 21, 2008
At the Urinal
A white man noticed the impressive length of the black man's member at the adjacent urinal. "Sure wish I had one like yours."
The black man replied, "You can--just tie a string around it and hang a weight on the end of the string. Put the weight down your pant leg and you can have one like mine."See the rest of "At the Urinal"
September 20, 2008
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.
A hot dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking,"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him."See the rest of "The Fly"
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.See the rest of "The popsicle"
September 19, 2008
Jesus and the Democrat
A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, 'Is that Jesus sitting over there?'
The waitress nodded 'yes,' so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.See the rest of "Jesus and the Democrat"
September 18, 2008
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked, and as children are full of questions he asked his mother what was the hair between her legs?
She saw no need to elaborate so responded, 'It's... it's my washcloth'.See the rest of "The Washcloth"
September 17, 2008
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,
'You died in your sleep, Ralph.'
Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.See the rest of "Poor Ralph"
September 16, 2008
ACTUAL " CALL CENTER " CALLS
Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get
through; can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"
Customer: "It's on the door of your business."
Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."
September 15, 2008
A New Word is Born
Electile Dysfunction:See the rest of "A New Word is Born"
September 14, 2008
Bride's 4th wedding
A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?'
The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?'See the rest of "Bride's 4th wedding"
September 13, 2008
More Discrimination !! [PIC]
Once again, discrimination rears its ugly head......See the rest of "More Discrimination !! [PIC]"
September 12, 2008
Golfer at the dentist
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"See the rest of "Golfer at the dentist"
September 11, 2008
Southern Baptist Lady
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, 'Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?'
'Why yes, that would be nice,' the lady responded.See the rest of "Southern Baptist Lady"
September 10, 2008
I'm voting Democrat
Thinking out loud........
I'm voting Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.
I'm voting Democrat because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.
I'm voting Democrat because when we pull out of Iraq I trust that the bad guys will stop what they're doing because they now think we're good people.See the rest of "I'm voting Democrat"
September 9, 2008
The Biker and The Lion
A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike; runs to the cage; and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.See the rest of "The Biker and The Lion"
September 8, 2008
She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me, this very moment.'See the rest of "Morning Sex"
September 7, 2008
The George W. Bush Presidential Library
The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages.
The Library will include the following:
The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.
The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.See the rest of "The George W. Bush Presidential Library"
September 3, 2008
Who's The Best?
Three old men are discussing their sex lives. The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."See the rest of "Who's The Best?"
September 2, 2008
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's in the middle of her first term as Senator of New York and this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming; "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.See the rest of "The Pregnancy"