August 31, 2008

Not So Dumb

G-Rated

A blonde had all the windows in her house replaced with new double-insulated energy-efficient windows. Twelve months later, she gets an irate call from the contractor complaining that the work has now been done for a year, and despite repeated bills, and collection notices, she has yet to make the first payment.

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August 30, 2008

Two Elderly Gents

PG-Rated

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house. When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.

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August 29, 2008

Philosophy

PG-Rated

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

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August 28, 2008

My New Job [PIC]

R-Rated

Ever since I retired, I've been searching for that "just right" volunteer job. I just want to give back to the community a little something. I looked around a long time and think I might of found it. It had to be one where I didn't feel like it was a chore. Something enjoyable. Something a little different from the ordinary day-in, day-out routine. At last I am truly comfortable being a volunteer. I no longer feel like my talents are being wasted on non-meaningful, irrelevant trivialities. I do feel good again . . .

I Found The Perfect Retirement Job.

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August 27, 2008

New Drink

PG-Rated

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, 'Bartender, any specials today?'

Bartender answers, 'Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink, invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka.'

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August 26, 2008

Dear Wife

PG-Rated

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.

These last 2 weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.

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August 25, 2008

Michael Phelps - the Early Years [PIC]

PG-Rated

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August 23, 2008

The Updated Little Red Hen

G-Rated

The little red hen for today's world:

She called all of her Democrat neighbors together and said, 'If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?'

'Not I,' said the cow.

'Not I,' said the duck.

'Not I,' said the pig.

'Not I,' said the goose.

'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did. The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.

'Who will help me reap my wheat?' asked the little red hen.

See the rest of "The Updated Little Red Hen"

August 21, 2008

For all you dog lovers that sleep with your dogs .... BEWARE! [PIC]

G-Rated

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August 20, 2008

Blonde Math

PG-Rated

The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his blonde secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Florida. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

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August 19, 2008

The Ballerina

PG-Rated

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

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Mutual

PG-Rated

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this  'Sex and Marriage'book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'.

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August 18, 2008

Priorities

PG-Rated

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam.  I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

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August 17, 2008

Lifesavers!

PG-Rated

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

See the rest of "Lifesavers!"

August 16, 2008

Redneck Country

PG-Rated

There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

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August 15, 2008

Late Night Thoughts

PG-Rated

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...

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August 14, 2008

Interior Decorating for Dog Owners

G-Rated

Decorating when you have dogs can provide unique opportunities to express your own personal style and taste. Here are some tips I'd like to share:

1. Bare floors, without carpet or throw rugs, can give a nice open feeling to a room. It can provide a soothing balance when you have many art objects that reflect your love of animals.

2. Paw prints and nose smudges on glass doors and windows break up glare and soften the light in a room.

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August 13, 2008

Mad Cow? [PIC]

X-Rated

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August 12, 2008

Everything's better with ...

PG-Rated

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed. "Damn Bob, you're hung!!" Jim exclaims.

"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Jim asks.

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August 11, 2008

The Latest Computer Upgrades [PICS]

PG-Rated

image

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August 10, 2008

Kitty Sunbathers [PIC]

G-Rated

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August 8, 2008

Noah in the modern day

G-Rated

The Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Canada , and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.'

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

'Noah!' He roared , 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed.'

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August 7, 2008

SENIOR DRESS CODE

G-Rated

Many of us ' Old Folks' (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

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August 6, 2008

Government [PIC]

G-Rated

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August 5, 2008

THIS HAS TO STOP!

G-Rated

For those of you that already have noticed this, and for those that need to know what to look out for... here's important information!:)

Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away.. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

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August 4, 2008

True Redneck Tank Top [PIC]

G-Rated

This was taken in front of the Gardendale, Alabama, Walmart while she was going to the Flea market. Look at it closely.

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August 3, 2008

Two Alligators

PG-Rated

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids...I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin' boy?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replied the small 'gator.

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August 2, 2008

"Senior" personal ads

G-Rated

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers: (Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

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August 1, 2008

How Dishwashers Really Work [PIC]

G-Rated

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