July 31, 2008

A VERY Dirty Picture [PIC]

R-Rated

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July 30, 2008

GRANDPA'S FISH

R-Rated

1. Rented boat = $75.00

2. Bait = $ 10.00

3. Camera film = $22.50

4. Showing the world that BIG fish and then having it posted on the Internet?

See the rest of "GRANDPA'S FISH"

July 29, 2008

The Stolen Car

PG-Rated

A drunk walks out of a bar with a car key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

See the rest of "The Stolen Car"

July 28, 2008

Who's Your Daddy?

PG-Rated

Naming the father for child support in England

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

-- Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

See the rest of "Who's Your Daddy?"

July 27, 2008

Women Over 40

G-Rated

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

See the rest of "Women Over 40"

July 26, 2008

What's in a Name?

G-Rated

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street is not just an athlete . . . she is now a nurse currently working at an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.

She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer.

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July 25, 2008

Toilet Cleaning Instructions

G-Rated

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

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July 24, 2008

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

PG-Rated

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

See the rest of "MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE"

July 23, 2008

Baked Beans

G-Rated

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

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July 22, 2008

Tailgating

G-Rated

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

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July 21, 2008

You CAN get pregnant

PG-Rated

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.

' Well actually, yes, I do.', she exclaimed..

'Does it hurt you?' he asked.

'No. I rather like it.'

See the rest of "You CAN get pregnant"

July 20, 2008

Don't lose your Grandpa

PG-Rated

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'

The cop asked, 'What's he like?'

See the rest of "Don't lose your Grandpa"

July 14, 2008

If You See A Naked Lady...

PG-Rated

One day there were two boys playing by a stream when they stumbled upon a naked woman frolicking in the water. After a few moments one of the boys turned and ran away.

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July 13, 2008

Executive Decision

R-Rated

An executive was pondering over a hard decision. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.

See the rest of "Executive Decision"

July 12, 2008

Husband Mart

PG-Rated

A store that sells husbands has just opened in San Diego where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

See the rest of "Husband Mart"

July 11, 2008

Romantic Contest

PG-Rated

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

See the rest of "Romantic Contest"

July 10, 2008

Cat Resolutions

G-Rated

My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

See the rest of "Cat Resolutions"

July 9, 2008

I'll miss this decade... [PIC]

R-Rated

I'll miss this decade...

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July 8, 2008

Golf Story

G-Rated

A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate shot tournament at his club. He teed off on the firsthole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway. Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife 'Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine.'

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July 7, 2008

Reasons to Have a Cameraphone [PICS]

R-Rated

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July 6, 2008

Marriage

PG-Rated

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

See the rest of "Marriage"