June 30, 2008

Blonde and the Christmas Tree

G-Rated

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.

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June 29, 2008

Working in the Dark

G-Rated

Two factory workers were talking.

"I think I'll take some time off from work." Said the man.

"How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.

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June 28, 2008

Minnesotians and their computers

G-Rated

01. BYTE: how Lena stops Ole's advances.

02. LOG ON: dats how ya make da vood stove hotter.

03. LOG OFF: vhat Sven vas trying to do vhen he burnt his hands terrible.

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June 27, 2008

Buford Goes to the Doctor

G-Rated

Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Buford said Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

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June 26, 2008

THE CLASS OF 2007

G-Rated

Just in case you weren't feeling old enough today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of the year's incoming freshman.

Here is the 2007 list:

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June 25, 2008

Hillbillies and Texans

G-Rated

Three Hillbillies from West Virginia and three Texans are traveling by train to the Super Bowl in Florida. At the station, the three Texans each buy a ticket and watch as the three Hillbillies buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Texans.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the Hillbillies.

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June 24, 2008

Definition Question [PICS]

PG-Rated

Is this statutory rape?

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June 23, 2008

Flying Lessons [PIC]

PG-Rated

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Northern Alabama because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the Beach House this weekend.

The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

Photographs below were taken at the scene show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

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June 22, 2008

How to be Cruel to Old Guys... [PIC]

PG-Rated

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June 21, 2008

Daddy Longlegs

PG-Rated

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

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June 20, 2008

The Aisle Seat

PG-Rated

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

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June 14, 2008

29 Lines

G-Rated

1 My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't .

2 . I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them!

4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

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June 13, 2008

Greatest Ass in the World Contest [PICS]

R-Rated

Difficult choice but don't be swayed by just good looks.

Here they are; the three male finalists for the '2007 Greatest Ass in the World Contest'.

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June 12, 2008

Carmen

R-Rated

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.

'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'

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June 11, 2008

Light at the End of the Tunnel [PIC]

G-Rated

No matter what situations life throws at you...
No matter how long and treacherous
Your journey may seem...

Remember, there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

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June 10, 2008

Leroy

PG-Rated

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a Party & invited all of his buddies & neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only black man in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters, BBQ & flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool & I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'

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June 9, 2008

Maxi Laugh

PG-Rated

"Actual Letter?" Perhaps not, but funny nonetheless...

This is an actual letter from an Austin Texas woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph.


Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

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June 8, 2008

Treatment

G-Rated

How to treat a Woman:

Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her.

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June 7, 2008

Who are You Voting For?

G-Rated

Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain were flying to a debate. Barack looked at Hillary, Chuckled and said, "You know I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

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June 6, 2008

Another Cat Found [PIC]

G-Rated

Hi, I found a cat today near the arboretum. She's black with white stripes down her back. She seems a little standoffish. Does not get along well with children.

She doesn't have a collar, but seems to be an indoor cat and went without hesitation for a can of cat food I opened for her.

I think she's been away from home a while. She's quite smelly. May need a bath.

Small rehoming fee (to cover the cost of the litterbox and cat food).

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June 5, 2008

Cat Found [PIC]

G-Rated

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June 4, 2008

The Rules - According to Men

G-Rated

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.

We always hear ' the rules' From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

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June 3, 2008

Speeding - Good, Better and Best

PG-Rated

GOOD: Seattle, WA policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD'. The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

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