April 30, 2008

A Case, Please

PG-Rated

The Mother Superior gathered all the Nuns in the convent to tell them, "I just learned we now have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

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April 29, 2008

Words of Wisdom

G-Rated

One evening an old Cherokee Indian told his grandson about a battle that was going on inside himself.

He said,"My son, it is between 2 wolves."

One is evil: Anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.."

The other is good: "Joy, Peace, Love, Hope, Serenity, Humility, Kindness, Benevolence, Empathy, Generosity, Truth, Compassion and Faith."

See the rest of "Words of Wisdom"

April 28, 2008

LITTLE FIRE TRUCK

PG-Rated

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.

See the rest of "LITTLE FIRE TRUCK"

April 27, 2008

The Circle of Success

G-Rated

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

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April 26, 2008

Stress Test [PIC]

G-Rated

This is a stress test.

Look at the picture below.
If you see 2 Dolphins, everything is ok.
If you see anything else, you are working too hard.
Stop working immediately and go home and put your feet up and relax.
Your sanity depends upon it.

See the rest of "Stress Test [PIC]"

April 25, 2008

Bad Day [PICS]

PG-Rated


We all have days when we get a little stuck...

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April 24, 2008

Before and After

PG-Rated

Before Marriage

John - Ah... At last. I can hardly wait!
Jane - Do you want me to leave?
John - NO! Don't even think about it.

See the rest of "Before and After"

April 23, 2008

Men

PG-Rated

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before:

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April 22, 2008

POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM

PG-Rated

I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear? '

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?'

See the rest of "POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM"

April 21, 2008

Dictionary Entries

PG-Rated

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

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April 20, 2008

Word Women Use

PG-Rated

Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

See the rest of "Word Women Use"

April 18, 2008

Cardboard Men

PG-Rated

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day.

The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing on coming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers.

See the rest of "Cardboard Men"

April 13, 2008

Dave's Adventures

PG-Rated

Dave works hard at the office, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"

See the rest of "Dave's Adventures"

April 12, 2008

Why Women Are Crabby

PG-Rated

We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have callouses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

See the rest of "Why Women Are Crabby"

April 11, 2008

The Power Company

PG-Rated

Dear Electric Customer,

Just a little note to let you know we understand your anger in the recent price hike. But it should be noted that you have no choice. We are a big company and you will pay what we tell you. You have no choice. We have the power, you need the power.

We have enclosed a little picture to help outline our response.

See the rest of "The Power Company"

April 10, 2008

Redneck Sensitivity

PG-Rated

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Bubba and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bubba says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife."

See the rest of "Redneck Sensitivity"

April 9, 2008

Turner Brown

PG-Rated

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'

See the rest of "Turner Brown"

April 8, 2008

Political Correctness

PG-Rated

The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year a definition required for the contemporary term, 'Political Correctness'.

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April 7, 2008

Picture of the Perfect Man [PIC]

G-Rated

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April 6, 2008

Favorite Things

G-Rated

A Southern boy is driving down a back road in Crossville, TN

A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer

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April 5, 2008

The Rest of the Story [PIC]

R-Rated

Tilda Wall Spitzer has been amazingly calm and has shown unusual grace in how supportive a political wife can be during her husband's apologetic speeches. Other women can only hope to emulate her in similar situations.

But of course, in the privacy of their own home.....

See the rest of "The Rest of the Story [PIC]"

April 4, 2008

Redneck Pickup Lines

PG-Rated

1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

See the rest of "Redneck Pickup Lines"

April 3, 2008

Every Feel Like You're Being Followed? [PIC]

G-Rated

See the rest of "Every Feel Like You're Being Followed? [PIC]"

April 2, 2008

In The Cemetary

G-Rated

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

See the rest of "In The Cemetary"

April 1, 2008

State of the Union, 2008

G-Rated

THE PRESIDENT: Madam Speaker, Vice President Cheney, members of Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow citizens: Seven years have passed since I first stood before you at this rostrum. In that time, our country has been tested in ways none of us could have imagined. We faced hard decisions about peace and war, rising competition in the world economy, and the health and welfare of our citizens. These issues call for vigorous debate, and I think it's fair to say we've answered the call. Yet history will record that amid our differences, we acted with purpose. And together, we showed the world the power and resilience of American self-government.

See the rest of "State of the Union, 2008"