November 30, 2007

Magic Shoes

PG-Rated

A married couple were on holiday in Pakistan.

They were touring around the marketplace in Karachi looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

See the rest of "Magic Shoes"

November 29, 2007

Never Give Your Dog a Beer [PIC]

G-Rated

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November 28, 2007

Nair

PG-Rated

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in it's ears once a month.

See the rest of "Nair"

November 27, 2007

Act of Kindness

G-Rated

A man and his wife are awakened at three o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

See the rest of "Act of Kindness"

November 26, 2007

Rocket Scientists

G-Rated

[This has been making the rounds for years ... -ed.]

(Supposedly true)

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne birds to test the strength of the windshields.

See the rest of "Rocket Scientists"

November 25, 2007

Marriage

PG-Rated

After many years, a Jewish mother gets the phone call she never thought she would get from her openly gay son. "Mom, I've met a wonderful girl. I'm going straight, and we're going to get married."

Mom is overjoyed, but can't really believe things are that good. "I suppose it's too much to ask that she's Jewish."

See the rest of "Marriage"

November 24, 2007

Stunt Pilot

PG-Rated

A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading: "Don't Miss the Amazing Air Force Pilot."

Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, spot lit in the center ring is a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it is an old retired Air Force Pilot.

See the rest of "Stunt Pilot"

November 23, 2007

The Moon, Taken from an Airplane in Flight [PIC]

PG-Rated

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November 22, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving [PIC]

G-Rated

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November 21, 2007

Twas the Night Before...

G-Rated

Twas the night before Thanksgiving and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin' and bitchin'.

I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest,
this rooms a disaster, just look at this mess!

Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!

See the rest of "Twas the Night Before..."

November 20, 2007

Thanksgiving Forecast

G-Rated

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall. During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. (Please pass the gravy.)

See the rest of "Thanksgiving Forecast"

Finding Jesus

G-Rated

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

See the rest of "Finding Jesus"

November 19, 2007

Windy?

G-Rated

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

See the rest of "Windy?"

November 18, 2007

New Gauge [PIC]

R-Rated

This new gauge is in stock at Home Depot. Might be the only one you don't have. It takes a while to learn all the settings, but I was patient and figured it out.

See the rest of "New Gauge [PIC]"

November 17, 2007

Discharged

G-Rated

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

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November 16, 2007

Looking Good! [PIC]

G-Rated

I'm making my Christmas list and really, REALLY, want one of these....

If any of you know were to find it please let me know.

Someone said they saw it at Wal-Mart.

I'm trying to find out which Wal-Mart sells this mirror!!!

See the rest of "Looking Good! [PIC]"

November 15, 2007

Surveillance Camera [PIC]

G-Rated

This was sent to me by an associate in the surveillance field. I am sharing it with friends and family on a need to know basis. I cannot vouch for its validity but, if true, it could very well rock the foundation of this country. The photo is a video capture from a security camera located in the North Corridor that leads to the Senate floor in the US Capitol Building.

This is classified material, so do not ask how or where I got it.

See the rest of "Surveillance Camera [PIC]"

November 14, 2007

Men in Training [PICS]

PG-Rated

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November 13, 2007

Are you Kathlic?

G-Rated

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.

So they went to the nearest Church.

But, only the Janitor was there.

One little Boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with Us. Will You baptize Us?"

See the rest of "Are you Kathlic?"

November 12, 2007

Bass Fishing

R-Rated

Dear Dr. Phil,

When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.

See the rest of "Bass Fishing"

November 11, 2007

The New Restaurant

G-Rated

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

See the rest of "The New Restaurant"

November 10, 2007

Ego Booster

G-Rated

If you ever feel a little stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius!

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

See the rest of "Ego Booster"

November 9, 2007

Like a newborn baby.

G-Rated

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

See the rest of "Like a newborn baby."

November 8, 2007

Do You Feel Like Working Today? [PICS]

G-Rated

Do you feel like working today?

See the rest of "Do You Feel Like Working Today? [PICS]"

November 7, 2007

First Political Button of '08 Election [PIC]

PG-Rated

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November 6, 2007

New Hearing Aids

G-Rated

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

See the rest of "New Hearing Aids"

November 5, 2007

Computer Screen Cleaning [PICS]

G-Rated

Have you noticed that your computer monitor, after a few years of use, is not as clear as it was when new? Well, that's because electrostatic charges cause micro-etching on the interior surface which can degrade the picture quality.

Thanks to Microsoft this process is reversible thanks to a brand new program that "cleans" the inside of the screen.

See the rest of "Computer Screen Cleaning [PICS]"

November 4, 2007

Another Use for Duct Tape [PIC]

PG-Rated

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November 3, 2007

How to Get Men to Wash Their Hands [PIC]

PG-Rated

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November 2, 2007

Kitty Baths

G-Rated

Anyone who's ever tried to give a cat a bath will appreciate these.


I thought you loved me!

See the rest of "Kitty Baths"

November 1, 2007

It's hell getting old...

PG-Rated

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

See the rest of "It's hell getting old..."