September 30, 2007

Catholic Horses

G-Rated

Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race.

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September 29, 2007

Teach Your Children Well

G-Rated

Dedicated to all who ever taught children.

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

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September 28, 2007

Super Heroes [photo]

G-Rated

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September 27, 2007

Star Pants

PG-Rated

Lines from Star Wars that could be improved If the word "pants" was substituted.

1. A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.

2. You are unwise to lower your pants.

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September 26, 2007

Three Months Off

PG-Rated

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

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September 25, 2007

#1 Reason to NOT have an on-line relationship [photo]

R-Rated

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September 24, 2007

Baby Skunk

PG-Rated

The wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

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September 23, 2007

Shoot the Bull

PG-Rated

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the waiter: "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

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September 22, 2007

Cell phone distractions [photos]

R-Rated

One of our pet peeves is the almost constant use of cell phones by people while driving, shopping , dining , in line at the store etc. Doesn't anyone know how to say "I'll call you right back"?

Well, it has gone beyond that now, with them being used publicly in relaxing getaway places like at the beach. This is beyond being inconsiderate.

While on the beach recently, I had to just sit there and listen to this woman for at least an hour while she talked on her cell phone and pranced back forth in front of me. I couldn't even begin to concentrate on my book at all.

How thoughtless and inconsiderate could she be?

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September 21, 2007

Outhouse

PG-Rated

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... "Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

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September 20, 2007

Only in California [photo]

R-Rated

This is incredible and hard to believe. This woman is actually walking down the street with no "real" clothes -- only those painted on her. The passerby's didn't give her a second look because the paint looked so much like clothing. YES, she is naked.

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September 19, 2007

Undeniable Rules of Life

PG-Rated

1. If you're too open minded, your brains fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

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September 18, 2007

Printer Problems [photo]

PG-Rated

Last week I was with one of my summer interns in the lobby when a receptionist complained that her printer wasn't working.

The intern discovered a pen stuck inside the printer. He started to jam his fingers down into the printer to get the pen, but I told him we didn't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk.

So he grabs a piece of paper and starts scrawling on it. I left before he finished the note.

About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate....

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September 17, 2007

Yes Dear [photo]

G-Rated

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September 16, 2007

The Middle East Standoff

PG-Rated

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you."

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September 15, 2007

Random Thoughts

PG-Rated

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

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September 14, 2007

A minister, a priest and a rabbi

PG-Rated

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."

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September 13, 2007

Out of The Mouths of Babes

G-Rated

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked!  As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

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September 12, 2007

Golfer

PG-Rated

There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a golf fanatic. Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up very early and golfs all day long. Well, this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course. It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

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September 11, 2007

The Hen House

PG-Rated

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church But one Saturday night the cock went missing.

The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

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September 10, 2007

As I've Matured

G-Rated

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

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September 9, 2007

Sleep Over

PG-Rated

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

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September 8, 2007

Oh Canada!

PG-Rated

CANADIAN JOKE #1

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for? "I got it for my wife, eh" answers Bob. "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

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September 7, 2007

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

G-Rated

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

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September 6, 2007

Health Question and Answer Session

G-Rated

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.. Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

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September 5, 2007

Confession of a dutiful wife

PG-Rated

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

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September 3, 2007

Man's Chair [photo]

PG-Rated

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September 2, 2007

Dear Abby

PG-Rated

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On my VCR?

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September 1, 2007

Young Help

PG-Rated

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

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