August 31, 2007

Boys

G-Rated

Things I've learned from my child Boys (honest)...

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

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August 30, 2007

If you live with a blonde [photo]

PG-Rated

If you live with a blonde, never leave your laptop in the bathroom...

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August 29, 2007

The Clocks

G-Rated

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

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August 28, 2007

Jet Skis Aren't For Everyone [photo]

PG-Rated

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August 27, 2007

Wanted - Horse Mounting Assistant

R-Rated

Job description: assisting the horseback riders in a Jamaica beach
Job location: Beach in Jamaica
Salary: $5 per week
People needed : 3

APPLICANTS (so far) : 6,437,943

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August 26, 2007

The First Happy Meal

R-Rated

How easily we forget, The Original Happy Meal

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August 25, 2007

WHY AM I MARRIED?

PG-Rated

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

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August 24, 2007

Unique exercise for building muscles in "older" people

G-Rated

Just came across this exercise suggested for older people, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

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August 23, 2007

The four stages of life

PG-Rated

[Image...]

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August 22, 2007

Wisdom of 6th Graders

G-Rated

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you! While reading these, keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds - because the last one is classic!

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August 21, 2007

Olaf and Sven

PG-Rated

Olaf & Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.

"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter", he replied.

Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. "Vere dit yew git dat monster??"

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August 20, 2007

No TP

PG-Rated

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

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August 19, 2007

Muscular Contractions

R-Rated

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

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August 18, 2007

The Sign

PG-Rated

Sign in a store window:

WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN"

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia.

You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

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August 17, 2007

Frog Story

G-Rated

[OK, this has been around for a while, and it's really, really bad. I couldn't resist. -ed.]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

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August 16, 2007

DO ELEPHANTS REALLY HAVE MEMORIES?

G-Rated

I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting... In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

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August 15, 2007

Clever Parents

PG-Rated

An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

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August 14, 2007

Changes in the Catholic Church

G-Rated

I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT! I JUST KNEW THIS WAS COMING.

New German Pope makes changes....

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August 13, 2007

Ads from the past

G-Rated

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August 12, 2007

Hate when that happens...

G-Rated

Some of these have been around for a while, some are new (at least to me).

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August 11, 2007

WARNING FROM PAKISTAN

G-Rated

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States and Canada.

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August 10, 2007

Mensa Convention

G-Rated

A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe.

While dining, they discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.

How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa!

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August 9, 2007

No Job Too Big

G-Rated

The Sunday edition of the London Mail featured this photo of a cat that had just leapt six feet in the air, attempting to catch this sea eagle, which was formerly having a pleasant day at the Okayama Nature Reserve in Japan.

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August 8, 2007

Sweet Justice

PG-Rated

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter.

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August 7, 2007

Drivers!

G-Rated

Driving to my office this morning on Interstate 5 I looked over my shoulder to the left and there was an attractive woman in a brand new Mustang, with her face up next to the rear view mirror putting on her eye makeup. I looked away for a few seconds, and when I looked back, there she was halfway over in my lane, still working on her eye liner.

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August 6, 2007

Redneck Church

PG-Rated

You'll Know Yours Is A Redneck Church If:

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what kind of bait was used to catch 'em.

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August 5, 2007

No!

PG-Rated

A man with a 25 inch long member goes to his doctor to complain  that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint.

"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration "is there anything you can  do for me?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you."

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August 4, 2007

Gay Genie

PG-Rated

A gay man was walking along the beach at Fire Island when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold, out popped a gay genie.

The Genie said, "Hey Girl, wassup?"

The amazed man asked if he got three wishes.

"Nope, just one wish. Due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages, third-world countries, my new pumps pinching my big toes, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be? The complete set of Tyson Cane videos? A copy of the Marilyn Monroe 'Happy Birthday Mr. President' sequined dress in your size with matching shoes?"

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August 3, 2007

Wood Chopping Rules

G-Rated

[Image ...]

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August 2, 2007

Random Thoughts

PG-Rated

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

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August 1, 2007

Can Your Dog Read?

G-Rated

[Image...]

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