August 31, 2007
Things I've learned from my child Boys (honest)...
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.See the rest of "Boys"
August 30, 2007
If you live with a blonde [photo]
If you live with a blonde, never leave your laptop in the bathroom...See the rest of "If you live with a blonde [photo]"
August 29, 2007
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."See the rest of "The Clocks"
August 28, 2007
Jet Skis Aren't For Everyone [photo]
PG-RatedSee the rest of "Jet Skis Aren't For Everyone [photo]"
August 27, 2007
Wanted - Horse Mounting Assistant
Job description: assisting the horseback riders in a Jamaica beach
Job location: Beach in Jamaica
Salary: $5 per week
People needed : 3
APPLICANTS (so far) : 6,437,943See the rest of "Wanted - Horse Mounting Assistant"
August 26, 2007
The First Happy Meal
How easily we forget, The Original Happy MealSee the rest of "The First Happy Meal"
August 25, 2007
WHY AM I MARRIED?
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
August 24, 2007
Unique exercise for building muscles in "older" people
Just came across this exercise suggested for older people, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.See the rest of "Unique exercise for building muscles in "older" people"
August 23, 2007
The four stages of life
[Image...]See the rest of "The four stages of life"
August 22, 2007
Wisdom of 6th Graders
A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you! While reading these, keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds - because the last one is classic!See the rest of "Wisdom of 6th Graders"
August 21, 2007
Olaf and Sven
Olaf & Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter", he replied.
Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. "Vere dit yew git dat monster??"See the rest of "Olaf and Sven"
August 20, 2007
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.See the rest of "No TP"
August 19, 2007
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.See the rest of "Muscular Contractions"
August 18, 2007
Sign in a store window:
WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN"
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia.
You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.See the rest of "The Sign"
August 17, 2007
[OK, this has been around for a while, and it's really, really bad. I couldn't resist. -ed.]
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."See the rest of "Frog Story"
August 16, 2007
DO ELEPHANTS REALLY HAVE MEMORIES?
I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting... In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.See the rest of "DO ELEPHANTS REALLY HAVE MEMORIES?"
August 15, 2007
An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"See the rest of "Clever Parents"
August 14, 2007
Changes in the Catholic Church
I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT! I JUST KNEW THIS WAS COMING.
New German Pope makes changes....See the rest of "Changes in the Catholic Church"
August 13, 2007
Ads from the past
See the rest of "Ads from the past"
August 12, 2007
Hate when that happens...
Some of these have been around for a while, some are new (at least to me).
See the rest of "Hate when that happens..."
August 11, 2007
WARNING FROM PAKISTAN
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States and Canada.See the rest of "WARNING FROM PAKISTAN"
August 10, 2007
A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe.
While dining, they discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa!See the rest of "Mensa Convention"
August 9, 2007
No Job Too Big
The Sunday edition of the London Mail featured this photo of a cat that had just leapt six feet in the air, attempting to catch this sea eagle, which was formerly having a pleasant day at the Okayama Nature Reserve in Japan.See the rest of "No Job Too Big"
August 8, 2007
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter.See the rest of "Sweet Justice"
August 7, 2007
Driving to my office this morning on Interstate 5 I looked over my shoulder to the left and there was an attractive woman in a brand new Mustang, with her face up next to the rear view mirror putting on her eye makeup. I looked away for a few seconds, and when I looked back, there she was halfway over in my lane, still working on her eye liner.See the rest of "Drivers!"
August 6, 2007
You'll Know Yours Is A Redneck Church If:
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what kind of bait was used to catch 'em.See the rest of "Redneck Church"
August 5, 2007
A man with a 25 inch long member goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint.
"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration "is there anything you can do for me?"
The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you."See the rest of "No!"
August 4, 2007
A gay man was walking along the beach at Fire Island when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold, out popped a gay genie.
The Genie said, "Hey Girl, wassup?"
The amazed man asked if he got three wishes.
"Nope, just one wish. Due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages, third-world countries, my new pumps pinching my big toes, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be? The complete set of Tyson Cane videos? A copy of the Marilyn Monroe 'Happy Birthday Mr. President' sequined dress in your size with matching shoes?"See the rest of "Gay Genie"
August 3, 2007
Wood Chopping Rules
[Image ...]See the rest of "Wood Chopping Rules"
August 2, 2007
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.See the rest of "Random Thoughts"
August 1, 2007
Can Your Dog Read?
[Image...]See the rest of "Can Your Dog Read?"