July 31, 2007

Amen Sister!

PG-Rated

Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church.

"Reverend," he said, "we have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What should I do?"

"I've noticed this and have an idea if you're up to the task," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg."

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July 30, 2007

God's Garden

PG-Rated

GOD looks down on earth one day and is concerned about what He sees. He calls St. Francis and the following conversation takes place:

GOD: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

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July 29, 2007

The Gender of Computers

G-Rated

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designed as masculine or feminine.

"House" in French is feminine - "la maison."
"Pencil" in French is masculine - "le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.

So for fun she split the class into two groups, appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

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July 28, 2007

Wrong Forumla

PG-Rated

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

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July 27, 2007

If Dr. Seuss Was a Woman...

PG-Rated

I'm glad I'm a woman -Yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live on Budweiser, Beer, nuts and Spam. I
don't brag to my buddies about my erections. I won't
drive to Hell before asking directions. I act nice
at parties; don't act like a clown;
And I know how to put the damn toilet seat down.

See the rest of "If Dr. Seuss Was a Woman..."

July 26, 2007

Where did they go?

PG-Rated

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

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July 25, 2007

TICK WARNING!

PG-Rated

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally... but this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your email list.

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July 24, 2007

This could explain a lot...

G-Rated

March 1948

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and the federal government.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

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July 23, 2007

Dusty Underwear

PG-Rated

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the ? ? ?," he said to himself as a little blue "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

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July 22, 2007

Why Men Should NEVER Wear Thongs

R-Rated

Ow! My eyes!

(Image...)

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July 21, 2007

It'll Never Be This Easy

PG-Rated

(Image...)

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July 20, 2007

Who's First?

G-Rated

Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

See the rest of "Who's First?"

July 19, 2007

Well, this was bound to happen...

G-Rated

(Image...)

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July 18, 2007

Morons!

G-Rated

Moron #1

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)

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July 17, 2007

The Stud

G-Rated

Two ministers died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but can't go back as ministers. What'll it be?"

The first minister says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first minister.

See the rest of "The Stud"

July 15, 2007

Things that your wife doesn't use

PG-Rated

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making Love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce!

And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."

See the rest of "Things that your wife doesn't use"

July 14, 2007

Patience

G-Rated

Sometimes it just pays to be patient.....

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July 13, 2007

Panhandling

G-Rated

PAN HANDLING WORKS IF YOU HAVE THE RIGHT SIGN.

Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.

Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day. Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.

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July 12, 2007

The Test of Three

G-Rated

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

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July 11, 2007

The End of Thinking

G-Rated

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

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July 10, 2007

Ride 'em, cowboy!

G-Rated

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots So the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up he asks " Why in the world are you dressed like this'?

See the rest of "Ride 'em, cowboy!"

July 9, 2007

New, Improved Parking Lot

G-Rated

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Melbourne City Council has established a "Women Only" parking lot. Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons. Please find attached the first picture available of this world-first parking lot in Australia:

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July 8, 2007

Serenity Prayer

G-Rated

Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

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July 7, 2007

Farmer Jones

PG-Rated

One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

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July 6, 2007

So THAT's how you pick up a biker!

PG-Rated

A little old lady who had always wanted to join the local biker club walked up to their clubhouse and knocked on the door. A big hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms and chest opened the door and looked at her.

"I want to join your club," she said.

The biker was amused and decided to play along. "Before you can join you'll have to meet certain requirements. First of all, do you own a motorcycle?"

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July 5, 2007

Ah, retirement

PG-Rated

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Minnesota as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's just finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there.

See the rest of "Ah, retirement"

July 4, 2007

Male Maturity

PG-Rated

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.

See the rest of "Male Maturity"

July 3, 2007

You've Got to Pay Attention to the Details

PG-Rated

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pumps, of course, didn't respond.

See the rest of "You've Got to Pay Attention to the Details"

July 2, 2007

Rosebuds and Hanging Baskets

PG-Rated

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.

See the rest of "Rosebuds and Hanging Baskets"

July 1, 2007

Italian Shoes

R-Rated

Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"

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