June 30, 2007

Redneck Book of Manners

PG-Rated

1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
2. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
4. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

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June 29, 2007

Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart

PG-Rated

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

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June 28, 2007

How to recognize a gay bar

R-Rated

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June 27, 2007

Dessert Topping

PG-Rated

A little old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange Dipper," an ice cream parlor, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

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June 26, 2007

Hearing Aid

G-Rated

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

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June 25, 2007

The Proposal

PG-Rated

Two elderly people, he a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.

The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered, "Yes Yes, I will."

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June 22, 2007

Trailer Estates

PG-Rated

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in Trailer Estates, a Florida mobile home park. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.

After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"

He replies, "I lived here years ago."

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June 21, 2007

How long till I can get a haircut?

G-Rated

A guy sticks his head into a barber's shop and asks: "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says: "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the Door and asks: "How long before I can get a haircut?"

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June 20, 2007

Too Old

PG-Rated

An man in his golden years really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of one thing.

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June 19, 2007

Workman's Comp Claim

G-Rated

[Yes, this is know to be an urban legend. Still funny though.]

This is an accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the British equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. This is the bricklayer's report, a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have walked away with a Darwin Award for sure!

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June 18, 2007

Out of the mouths of babes 6

PG-Rated

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

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June 17, 2007

Out of the mouths of babes 5

PG-Rated

At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around the pastor, he leaned over and said to the girl,"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"

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June 16, 2007

Out of the mouths of babes 4

G-Rated

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

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June 15, 2007

Out of the mouths of babes 3

G-Rated

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

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June 14, 2007

Out of the mouths of babes 2

G-Rated

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4 yr. old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!'

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June 13, 2007

Out of the mouths of babes 1

PG-Rated

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m.., I found my two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.

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June 12, 2007

Ethnic Love

PG-Rated

Three men are discussing their previous night's lovemaking. The Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes."

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June 11, 2007

The Old Cowboy

PG-Rated

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, baling hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

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June 10, 2007

If Women Ruled the World

G-Rated

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June 9, 2007

Smart Blonde Joke

G-Rated

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10."

"Very good," said her Mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

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June 8, 2007

Car Accident

PG-Rated

It was a pretty serious auto accident. Because he wasn't wearing his seat belt, Sean smashed his face into the windshield. In a strange twist of fate, he wasn't seriously injured, but the cracked glass pinched his right eyelid and, when he bounced back, ripped the eyelid off. Unfortunately, the tissue wasn't saved for reattachment.

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June 7, 2007

Cat Heaven

G-Rated

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'

The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.'

God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

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June 6, 2007

Compassion

PG-Rated

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women walked past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"

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June 2, 2007

Afghan Blessing

G-Rated

I've been told that there are too many Irish Blessings, so for a change, here is an Afghan one just for you.

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June 1, 2007

The Genie

R-Rated

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.

"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaims.

"No," said the genie, "You have been very bad in recent years, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."

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