May 31, 2007

Evening Out

PG-Rated

Two women go out one evening without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them quite drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they decided to go there anyway. The first one took off her panties and used them to dry herself and discarded them.

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May 30, 2007

30 Things You'll Never Hear a West Virginia Boy Say

PG-Rated

1. I'll taste before I salt

2. I'll Take Shakespeare For $1,000, Alex

3. Duct Tape Won't Fix That.

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May 29, 2007

Hillary Bumper Stickers

G-Rated

It's amazing how the whole campaign has caught on. The thought of a former First Lady Of The United States running for an elective office is truly amazing. In New York City, everybody has a "Run, Hillary, Run!" bumper sticker on his or her car.

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May 28, 2007

The Price?

G-Rated

Next time you full up your tank, think about how outrageous some prices are. You will be really shocked by the last one!!!!

This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 .. $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 .........$9.52 per gallon

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May 27, 2007

Just a bit Irish

G-Rated

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

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May 26, 2007

Predictions

G-Rated

"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances." -- Dr. Lee DeForest, "Father of Radio & Grandfather of Television."

"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives." - - Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project

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May 25, 2007

Tickle Me Elmo

PG-Rated

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is Incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

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May 24, 2007

What is Sex?

PG-Rated

An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question. "What is sex...?"

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May 21, 2007

Lorena Bobbit's Sister

PG-Rated

Lorena Bobbitt's sister Luella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

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May 20, 2007

My Forgetter

G-Rated

My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

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May 19, 2007

Getting Older II

G-Rated

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

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May 18, 2007

Getting Older

G-Rated

An elderly couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not?" he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead."

See the rest of "Getting Older"

May 17, 2007

Double

PG-Rated

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullshitted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had the 'sportsman's double', a mother and daughter threesome?

I said no.

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May 16, 2007

Walking with legs apart

G-Rated

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

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May 15, 2007

The Blind Bunny

G-Rated

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his titchy little nose. "Oh please, excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I"m blind & can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

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May 14, 2007

Dog in Heat

PG-Rated

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

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May 12, 2007

Bedtime virus

G-Rated

Do not open it .

Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

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May 11, 2007

Can you solve this puzzle?

PG-Rated

You are riding on a beautiful white horse. On your left side is a drop off. On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion. In front of you are four large gazelles which won't get out of your way and you can't seem to overtake them. Behind you is a stampede of horses.

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

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May 9, 2007

The Ant and The Grasshopper

G-Rated

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

THE CANADIAN VERSION:

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May 8, 2007

Catholic Vacation

G-Rated

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

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May 7, 2007

Free Bar-B-Q Grill

G-Rated

As every Southerner knows it's time to get ready for that all important cooking technique of the south---outdoor grilling!? I have found several stores (not just in the south) where you can get a FREE Bar-B-Q Grill! This is not a joke. You can get a free BBQ grill from any of the following stores:

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May 6, 2007

MALE VS FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

G-Rated

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts."

"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."

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May 5, 2007

BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN

G-Rated

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby:Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

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May 4, 2007

Hymn #365

G-Rated

A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

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May 3, 2007

One Problem For Another

PG-Rated

Bob can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.

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May 2, 2007

Wyoming Hooker

PG-Rated

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May 1, 2007

Short Joke

PG-Rated

>Nominated for the world's best short joke of the year:

A 3-year-old boy examines his testicles while taking a bath.

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