May 31, 2007
Two women go out one evening without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them quite drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they decided to go there anyway. The first one took off her panties and used them to dry herself and discarded them.See the rest of "Evening Out"
May 30, 2007
30 Things You'll Never Hear a West Virginia Boy Say
1. I'll taste before I salt
2. I'll Take Shakespeare For $1,000, Alex
3. Duct Tape Won't Fix That.See the rest of "30 Things You'll Never Hear a West Virginia Boy Say"
May 29, 2007
Hillary Bumper Stickers
It's amazing how the whole campaign has caught on. The thought of a former First Lady Of The United States running for an elective office is truly amazing. In New York City, everybody has a "Run, Hillary, Run!" bumper sticker on his or her car.See the rest of "Hillary Bumper Stickers"
May 28, 2007
Next time you full up your tank, think about how outrageous some prices are. You will be really shocked by the last one!!!!
This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.
Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 .. $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 .........$9.52 per gallonSee the rest of "The Price?"
May 27, 2007
Just a bit Irish
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"See the rest of "Just a bit Irish"
May 26, 2007
"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances." -- Dr. Lee DeForest, "Father of Radio & Grandfather of Television."
"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives." - - Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb ProjectSee the rest of "Predictions"
May 25, 2007
Tickle Me Elmo
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is Incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.See the rest of "Tickle Me Elmo"
May 24, 2007
What is Sex?
An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question. "What is sex...?"See the rest of "What is Sex?"
May 21, 2007
Lorena Bobbit's Sister
Lorena Bobbitt's sister Luella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.See the rest of "Lorena Bobbit's Sister"
May 20, 2007
My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
May 19, 2007
Getting Older II
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.See the rest of "Getting Older II"
May 18, 2007
An elderly couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."
"Why not?" he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead."See the rest of "Getting Older"
May 17, 2007
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullshitted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had the 'sportsman's double', a mother and daughter threesome?
I said no.See the rest of "Double"
May 16, 2007
Walking with legs apart
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."See the rest of "Walking with legs apart"
May 15, 2007
The Blind Bunny
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his titchy little nose. "Oh please, excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I"m blind & can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"See the rest of "The Blind Bunny"
May 14, 2007
Dog in Heat
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."See the rest of "Dog in Heat"
May 12, 2007
Do not open it .
Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.See the rest of "Bedtime virus"
May 11, 2007
Can you solve this puzzle?
You are riding on a beautiful white horse. On your left side is a drop off. On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion. In front of you are four large gazelles which won't get out of your way and you can't seem to overtake them. Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?See the rest of "Can you solve this puzzle?"
May 9, 2007
The Ant and The Grasshopper
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE CANADIAN VERSION:See the rest of "The Ant and The Grasshopper"
May 8, 2007
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.See the rest of "Catholic Vacation"
May 7, 2007
Free Bar-B-Q Grill
As every Southerner knows it's time to get ready for that all important cooking technique of the south---outdoor grilling!? I have found several stores (not just in the south) where you can get a FREE Bar-B-Q Grill! This is not a joke. You can get a free BBQ grill from any of the following stores:See the rest of "Free Bar-B-Q Grill"
May 6, 2007
MALE VS FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts."
"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."See the rest of "MALE VS FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE"
May 5, 2007
BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby:Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
May 4, 2007
A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."See the rest of "Hymn #365"
May 3, 2007
One Problem For Another
Bob can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.See the rest of "One Problem For Another"
May 2, 2007
PG-RatedSee the rest of "Wyoming Hooker"
May 1, 2007
>Nominated for the world's best short joke of the year:
A 3-year-old boy examines his testicles while taking a bath.See the rest of "Short Joke"