April 30, 2007

Smart Ass Answers

PG-Rated

Smart Ass Answer #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her.

Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smart Ass Answer #4

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April 29, 2007

KIDS IN CHURCH

G-Rated

3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."

A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

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April 28, 2007

Kids are Too Quick Sometimes

G-Rated

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

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April 27, 2007

Little Johnny on 'Tragedy'

G-Rated

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

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April 24, 2007

Moms

PG-Rated

Moms should never be underestimated! Here is a good one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."

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April 23, 2007

A Poem for Computer Users Over 40

G-Rated

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

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April 22, 2007

Women's Bumper Stickers

PG-Rated

SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

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April 21, 2007

Bright Signs!

G-Rated

How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb?

ARIES: Just one. You want to make something of it?

TAURUS: One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

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April 20, 2007

God Bless the Irish!

PG-Rated

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

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April 19, 2007

Half a Dozen

G-Rated

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.

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April 18, 2007

New Words

G-Rated

Aquadextrous (akwa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

Carperpetuation (kar 'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

Disconfect (diskonfect') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming that somehow it will 'remove' all the germs.

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April 17, 2007

A Day In Hell

PG-Rated

A young man from Tampa dies, and, unfortunately, goes to Hell. As usual, he's assigned to work in the sulfur pits. Lucifer comes by on a tour one day, and he sees the boy whistling and laughing and enjoying himself. Well, Lucifer walks up to the young man and says "Boy, why are you so happy? Aren't you hot enough?"

The young man answers: "Well, it's sure hot down here, but it reminds me of July back in Tampa."

Lucifer thinks about this for a bit, and decides to raise the temperature in the sulfur pits, just to show the boy who's boss. Well, he comes on by on tour again a few days later, and finds the boy still laughing and whistling and having a grand old time.

See the rest of "A Day In Hell"

April 16, 2007

The Good Napkins

PG-Rated

My mother taught me to read when I was three years old (her first mistake).

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom and not in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions."

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April 15, 2007

Palm Pilot for Rednecks

G-Rated

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April 14, 2007

What is an SOB?

PG-Rated

Question: What is a sonofabitch, exactly?

Quite often we ask ourselves hard to answer questions, like, "What is a sonofabitch?"

A picture is worth a thousand words.

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April 13, 2007

The Root of All Evil

G-Rated

It can buy a House
But not a Home

It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock
But not Time

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April 12, 2007

Paying for the War

G-Rated

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April 11, 2007

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS

G-Rated

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

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April 10, 2007

Gender Humor

PG-Rated

You have two choices in life:You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

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April 9, 2007

Nursing Home Sex

R-Rated

They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home.

The other woman said that her sex life was great.

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April 8, 2007

Boudreaux

G-Rated

Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to Confession. "Father, I kinda took a little lumber from that new construction site."

Priest: What did you do with the lumber, my son?

Boudreaux: Well, Father, my porch, she's had a hole for a long time. I'm afraid someone will break dey leg, so I fix de hole.

Priest: Well, that's not so bad.

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April 7, 2007

Can You Identify This Rare Frog?

R-Rated

I'm sending around this photo for a friend -- promised him I'd contact a few of my "wildlife" buddies to see if they could help identify this species. Let me know if you have any opinions.

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April 6, 2007

He said......She said

PG-Rated

10)He said... I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it. She said... You wear briefs, don't you?

9) She said... What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said... It's not my fault, I ran out of money

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April 5, 2007

What does your daddy do?

PG-Rated

It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."

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April 4, 2007

When hens eat Fruit Loops

G-Rated

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April 3, 2007

To Your Health

G-Rated

(A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

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April 2, 2007

Dress Code

PG-Rated

Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking: Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Yetta: "Well.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. And like such a mensch he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car.....a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner.. ...Marvelous dinner. Lobster even. Then we go see a show....let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could die from pleasure!

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