March 31, 2007

Something Other than Smiley Faces

PG-Rated

Perfect breasts (o)(o)

Silicone breasts ( + )( + )

Perky breasts (*)(*)

See the rest of "Something Other than Smiley Faces"

March 30, 2007

Whoops...

PG-Rated

After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man. The guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?"

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

See the rest of "Whoops..."

March 29, 2007

Gambling your way into Heaven...

R-Rated

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide one among them.

St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven.

See the rest of "Gambling your way into Heaven..."

March 28, 2007

Interstellar Spam

G-Rated

Scientists decoded the first message from an alien civilization:

See the rest of "Interstellar Spam"

March 27, 2007

How to Say I Love You

PG-Rated

English.......................... I Love You

Spanish.......................... Te Amo

French........................... Je T'aime

German........................... Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese......................... Ai Shite Imasu

Italian...........................Ti Amo

Chinese...........................Wo Ai Ni

Swedish.......................... Jag Alskar Dig

See the rest of "How to Say I Love You"

March 26, 2007

Tomatoes

G-Rated

An unemployed man went to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test. After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed as a janitor at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day."

Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed by Microsoft."

See the rest of "Tomatoes"

March 25, 2007

Bumper Stickers

PG-Rated

Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.

It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.

If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.

The Earth Is Full - Go Home.

See the rest of "Bumper Stickers"

March 24, 2007

Silent Treatment

PG-Rated

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."

See the rest of "Silent Treatment"

March 23, 2007

PINOCCHIO

PG-Rated

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

See the rest of "PINOCCHIO"

March 22, 2007

CINDERELLA

PG-Rated

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

See the rest of "CINDERELLA"

March 21, 2007

Lipstick In School

G-Rated

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

See the rest of "Lipstick In School"

March 17, 2007

The Sound of Silence

PG-Rated

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So, " says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course, " slurs the drunk. "Well, " says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening. " "I did all right, " the drunk says with a smile.

See the rest of "The Sound of Silence"

March 16, 2007

What a Way to Go

PG-Rated

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in? " he asks.

"I've something' to tell ya. " "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery. . .

See the rest of "What a Way to Go"

March 15, 2007

Last Request

PG-Rated

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear? "

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night. "

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests? "

See the rest of "Last Request"

March 14, 2007

AN IRISH TOAST

PG-Rated

John O'Reilly hoisted his Guinness and shouted, "Here's to spendin' the rest o' me life, between the soft, warm legs o' me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast o' the night."

See the rest of "AN IRISH TOAST"

March 13, 2007

Mr. and Mrs. Carrot

PG-Rated

See the rest of "Mr. and Mrs. Carrot"

March 12, 2007

Blond Detectives

G-Rated

A policeman interrogates three blondes who are training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well, uh, thats because the picture shows his profile."

See the rest of "Blond Detectives"

March 11, 2007

Why Old Folks Don't Have Babies

G-Rated

With the miracle of fertility treatments, a woman was able to have a baby at the age of 65. When she was discharged from hospital, her relatives came to visit.

"Can we see the baby?" they asked.

"Not yet, " said the 65 year old mother.

See the rest of "Why Old Folks Don't Have Babies"

March 10, 2007

Blonde Bar Joke

PG-Rated

A blind man enters a Lesbian Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things .....

See the rest of "Blonde Bar Joke"

March 9, 2007

Dog Rules

G-Rated

1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog house.

2. Okay, the dog can enter the house but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.

See the rest of "Dog Rules"

March 8, 2007

The First Time's Always the Worst

PG-Rated

The first mammogram is the worst. Especially when the machine catches on fire.

That's what happened to me.

See the rest of "The First Time's Always the Worst"

March 7, 2007

Crack in the Airplane Window

R-Rated

This is scary for anyone who travels frequently by plane!!!!

An actual crack in a US Airways Boeing 737 window frame! Fliers beware of the sub standard maintenance on the airplanes that you fly on. This is an actual crack that was found in the window frame on a 737. I'll definitely think twice before flying.

See the rest of "Crack in the Airplane Window"

March 6, 2007

Will I live to be 80?

PG-Rated

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

See the rest of "Will I live to be 80?"

March 5, 2007

Takka da trippa

PG-Rated

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi, how wasa da trippa ?

Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."

See the rest of "Takka da trippa"

March 4, 2007

Cleaning Poem

G-Rated

I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess.
He asked if I'd been 'computering',
And I had to answer "yes."

See the rest of "Cleaning Poem"

March 3, 2007

Why I fired my Secretary

PG-Rated

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be very pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you but the kids..they will remember.

See the rest of "Why I fired my Secretary"

March 2, 2007

Sad News

PG-Rated

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following. Please join me in remembering a great icon. The Pillsbury Dough boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was only 51.

See the rest of "Sad News"

March 1, 2007

Never Dare a Woman

R-Rated

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me feel happy and sad at the same time".

See the rest of "Never Dare a Woman"