January 31, 2007

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

PG-Rated

1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

See the rest of "AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES"

January 30, 2007

NEVER SAY TO A COP

PG-Rated

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren 't you the guy from the Village People?

See the rest of "NEVER SAY TO A COP"

January 29, 2007

Tracking down Title

G-Rated

Everyone who has ever bought a house will enjoy this.

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client who lost his house in Hurricane Katrina and wanted to rebuild. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to the parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down.

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January 28, 2007

Man and Woman

PG-Rated

God Said, "Adam, I Want you to do Something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

See the rest of "Man and Woman"

January 27, 2007

Living in 2007

G-Rated

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

See the rest of "Living in 2007"

January 26, 2007

Reading Test

G-Rated

Don't ignore this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.

See the rest of "Reading Test"

January 25, 2007

The Proper Word

PG-Rated

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting, or as some churches call it, "Cry Sunday", one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation: "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.

See the rest of "The Proper Word"

January 24, 2007

THE THIMBLE

G-Rated

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

See the rest of "THE THIMBLE"

January 22, 2007

"FOREIGN" Expressions

G-Rated

Winners of an annual New York Magazine contest were asked to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. Here are the winners:

RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID
Honk if you're Scottish.

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?
Can you drive a French motorcycle?

See the rest of ""FOREIGN" Expressions"

January 21, 2007

Montana Drinkers

PG-Rated

From the State where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Central Montana.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local Neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.

See the rest of "Montana Drinkers"

January 20, 2007

Raisin Bread

PG-Rated

A general store owner hired a young woman who liked to wear very short skirts and thong-panties. One day, a young man entered the store, glanced at the clerk, and glanced at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he had a brilliant idea.

He said, "I'd like some raisin bread, please".

See the rest of "Raisin Bread"

January 19, 2007

Curiosity

R-Rated

So it begins...

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January 18, 2007

Golf Balls

PG-Rated

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony.

See the rest of "Golf Balls"

January 17, 2007

Bill and Hillary

PG-Rated

Every morning, Bill Clinton would take a jog near his home in NY State. And on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. Apprehensive, he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly about to follow.

"Fifty dollars! " she would shout from the curb.

"No. Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.

See the rest of "Bill and Hillary"

January 16, 2007

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

PG-Rated

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.

See the rest of "10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES""

January 15, 2007

Comparison Project

PG-Rated

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.

One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the Proposition that they were nearly identical stories.

His professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:..... $29.99
Clinton:..... $29.99

See the rest of "Comparison Project"

January 14, 2007

NEW DESIGNER DOGS

PG-Rated

Bull Terrier + Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

See the rest of "NEW DESIGNER DOGS"

January 13, 2007

The $2 Bill

G-Rated

Everyone should start carrying them! I am STILL laughing!! I think we need to quit saving our $2 bills and bring them out in public. The younger generation doesn't know they exist.

On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about anyone getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50 bill.

Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go "
Server: "That'll be $1.04. Eat in?"
Me: "No, it's to go." At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.
Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."

See the rest of "The $2 Bill"

January 12, 2007

A Collection of Quickies

PG-Rated

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

See the rest of "A Collection of Quickies"

January 11, 2007

Myspace Date ... Priceless

R-Rated

Bag of popcorn to eat on Friday night.... $3.49

Bottle of Coke to wash down the popcorn.....$1.09

MySpace account........Free

Meeting the girl of your dreams on 'MySpace' Friday night and having your KIDS point out her ... defect?

PRICELESS!

See the rest of "Myspace Date ... Priceless"

January 10, 2007

Redneck Time Out

PG-Rated

Tempting, at times, I'm sure.

See the rest of "Redneck Time Out"

January 9, 2007

A Good Cause?

PG-Rated

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just outside of Washington D.C. Nothing is moving north or south.

Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened? What's the hold up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped President Bush, Jesse Jackson, Donald Rumsfeld, and Al Sharpton. They're asking for a $100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all with gasoline & set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

See the rest of "A Good Cause?"

January 8, 2007

PREGNANCY Q and A

PG-Rated

PREGNANCY Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

See the rest of "PREGNANCY Q and A"

January 7, 2007

Good Humor Man?

PG-Rated

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asks how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

See the rest of "Good Humor Man?"

January 6, 2007

Pilots versus Engineers

G-Rated

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as submitted by QUANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

****

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

See the rest of "Pilots versus Engineers"

January 5, 2007

The begining of a really bad day

R-Rated

Ow!

See the rest of "The begining of a really bad day"

January 4, 2007

Texas Baby

PG-Rated

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a "typical Texas" baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. A women faints due to sympathy pains.

See the rest of "Texas Baby"

January 3, 2007

Gender Designations

G-Rated

Supposedly from the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to a noun of their choice and explain their reason.

The best submissions:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

See the rest of "Gender Designations"

January 2, 2007

I'll take the next flight...

G-Rated

Supposedly true, which means, probably someone saw it in a supermarket tabloid.

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him, as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.

See the rest of "I'll take the next flight..."

January 1, 2007

The sign to watch for the morning after...

PG-Rated

See the rest of "The sign to watch for the morning after..."