December 31, 2006
A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."See the rest of "The Knob"
December 30, 2006
And you thought lawyer jokes were bad...
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.See the rest of "Doctor Joke"
December 29, 2006
Who makes the rules?
Do you know who makes the rules?
It is absolutely imperative that in all of the sports we engage in , we, without hesitation, play by the rules; we take care to understand the rules.
We discuss the rules amongst ourselves, and we study the rules.
As golfers, we are ruled by the rules. Lord knows there are all kinds of rules in that game.
And as citizens, we must follow the rules of law for so many things we do every day.
But just in case you have been pondering this, all your life, as to who actually makes the rules, please note the following:See the rest of "Who makes the rules?"
December 28, 2006
The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane.
At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.
"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"See the rest of "Passports"
December 27, 2006
An Air Force chief master sergeant and a general were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The general shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"See the rest of "Knowledge"
December 26, 2006
T'was The Day After Christmas
Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
every creature was sleeping, even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead,
Santa passed out with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons covered the floor,
while upstairs the family continued to snore.
December 25, 2006
Why Markers Don't Make Good Christmas Presents
Hopefully no one woke up to this, this morning.See the rest of "Why Markers Don't Make Good Christmas Presents"
December 24, 2006
One day I had a date for lunch with friends. Mae, a little old lady about 80 years old, came along with them--All in all, a pleasant bunch. When the menus were presented, we ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups, except for Mae who said, "Ice Cream, please. Two scoops, chocolate."
I wasn't sure my ears heard right, and the others were aghast. "Along with heated apple pie," Mae added, completely unabashed. We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time. But when our orders were bro ught out, I didn't enjoy mine. I couldn't take my eyes off Mae as her pie a-la-mode went down. The other ladies showed dismay. They ate their lunches silently and frowned.See the rest of "Chocolate Sings"
December 23, 2006
Change for a dollar?
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."See the rest of "Change for a dollar?"
December 22, 2006
The perfect Christmas gift for your man...
I want one.See the rest of "The perfect Christmas gift for your man..."
December 21, 2006
R-RatedSee the rest of "Frosty Tipping"
December 20, 2006
Ten things you'd never expect Santa to say...
10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?See the rest of "Ten things you'd never expect Santa to say..."
December 19, 2006
Christmas in Washington
The Supreme Court ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, DC this Christmas.See the rest of "Christmas in Washington"
December 15, 2006
Will You Remember?
The long term implications of drugs/procedures must be fully considered:
In the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease researchSee the rest of "Will You Remember?"
December 14, 2006
Planning World War III
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that President Bush and Colin Powell sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."See the rest of "Planning World War III"
December 13, 2006
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."See the rest of "The Telephone"
December 12, 2006
Why, Why, Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?See the rest of "Why, Why, Why"
December 11, 2006
Just a Wee Bit
"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place Look 'em over and pick the one you want."See the rest of "Just a Wee Bit"
December 10, 2006
The Three Stages Of A Man's Life
December 9, 2006
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.See the rest of "Jeep Stuck?"
December 8, 2006
Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River, looking across at the promised land.
The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River." Michael saw their perplexed looks and reassured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will only sink proportionally according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned the more you will sink into the water."See the rest of "Elections"
December 7, 2006
Why did the chicken cross the road?
VICE PRESIDENT GORE:
I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.
GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH
I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road.See the rest of "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
December 6, 2006
90 sec. of Zen
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the heck alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.See the rest of "90 sec. of Zen"
December 5, 2006
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”See the rest of "The Farmer"
Pilots you don't want...
The passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there and the flight can take off immediately after that.
The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms - both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.See the rest of "Pilots you don't want..."
December 4, 2006
Lorena Bobbitt's sister was arrested April 1, 2001 for trying to do the same thing to her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.See the rest of "Another Arrest"
December 3, 2006
The Preacher's Wife
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.See the rest of "The Preacher's Wife"
December 2, 2006
There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke. Just three women entered the race: a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.See the rest of "Stroke! Stroke!"
December 1, 2006
Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight.
After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."See the rest of "Military Pride"