December 31, 2006

The Knob

PG-Rated

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

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December 30, 2006

Doctor Joke

PG-Rated

And you thought lawyer jokes were bad...

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.

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December 29, 2006

Who makes the rules?

R-Rated

Do you know who makes the rules?

It is absolutely imperative that in all of the sports we engage in , we, without hesitation, play by the rules; we take care to understand the rules.

We discuss the rules amongst ourselves, and we study the rules.

As golfers, we are ruled by the rules. Lord knows there are all kinds of rules in that game.

And as citizens, we must follow the rules of law for so many things we do every day.

But just in case you have been pondering this, all your life, as to who actually makes the rules, please note the following:

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December 28, 2006

Passports

G-Rated

The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane.

At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"

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December 27, 2006

Knowledge

PG-Rated

An Air Force chief master sergeant and a general were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The general shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

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December 26, 2006

T'was The Day After Christmas

G-Rated

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
every creature was sleeping, even the mouse.

The toys were all broken, their batteries dead,
Santa passed out with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons covered the floor,
while upstairs the family continued to snore.

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December 25, 2006

Why Markers Don't Make Good Christmas Presents

G-Rated

Hopefully no one woke up to this, this morning.

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December 24, 2006

Chocolate Sings

G-Rated

One day I had a date for lunch with friends. Mae, a little old lady about 80 years old, came along with them--All in all, a pleasant bunch. When the menus were presented, we ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups, except for Mae who said, "Ice Cream, please. Two scoops, chocolate."

I wasn't sure my ears heard right, and the others were aghast. "Along with heated apple pie," Mae added, completely unabashed. We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time. But when our orders were bro ught out, I didn't enjoy mine. I couldn't take my eyes off Mae as her pie a-la-mode went down. The other ladies showed dismay. They ate their lunches silently and frowned.

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December 23, 2006

Change for a dollar?

G-Rated

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "Sure, buddy."

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December 22, 2006

The perfect Christmas gift for your man...

PG-Rated

I want one.

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December 21, 2006

Frosty Tipping

R-Rated

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December 20, 2006

Ten things you'd never expect Santa to say...

PG-Rated

10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?

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December 19, 2006

Christmas in Washington

PG-Rated

The Supreme Court ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, DC this Christmas.

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December 15, 2006

Will You Remember?

PG-Rated

The long term implications of drugs/procedures must be fully considered:

In the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research

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December 14, 2006

Planning World War III

PG-Rated

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that President Bush and Colin Powell sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

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December 13, 2006

The Telephone

G-Rated

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

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December 12, 2006

Why, Why, Why

G-Rated

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

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December 11, 2006

Just a Wee Bit

PG-Rated

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

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December 10, 2006

The Three Stages Of A Man's Life

PG-Rated

SINGLE

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December 9, 2006

Jeep Stuck?

G-Rated

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

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December 8, 2006

Elections

PG-Rated

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River, looking across at the promised land.

The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River." Michael saw their perplexed looks and reassured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will only sink proportionally according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned the more you will sink into the water."

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December 7, 2006

Why did the chicken cross the road?

G-Rated

VICE PRESIDENT GORE:

I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.

GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH

I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road.

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December 6, 2006

90 sec. of Zen

G-Rated

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the heck alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

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December 5, 2006

The Farmer

G-Rated

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”

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Pilots you don't want...

G-Rated

The passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there and the flight can take off immediately after that.

The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms - both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

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December 4, 2006

Another Arrest

PG-Rated

Lorena Bobbitt's sister was arrested April 1, 2001 for trying to do the same thing to her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.

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December 3, 2006

The Preacher's Wife

PG-Rated

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

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December 2, 2006

Stroke! Stroke!

PG-Rated

There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke. Just three women entered the race: a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.

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December 1, 2006

Military Pride

PG-Rated

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight.

After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."

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