November 30, 2006

Newlywed Squabble

PG-Rated

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

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November 29, 2006

Chicken Hairs

PG-Rated

A boy and a girl were behind a barn one day. The girl told the boy, "I have to quit eating chicken, because I am growing chicken hair."

The boy in disbelief said, "Let me see."

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November 28, 2006

Health Food

PG-Rated

Chocolate is good for you.

Chocolate is made from cocoa beans, and beans are vegetables. It contains sugar, which comes from either sugar cane or sugar beets, which are both plants. Therefore, chocolate is a vegetable. If you eat chocolate-covered cherries, raisins, strawberries and orange slices, you're getting fruit in your diet. Chocolate-covered nuts are in the protein food group. And since chocolate contains milk, it is a dairy food.

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November 27, 2006

Doctors

PG-Rated

Doctor Darren had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Darren, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go......"

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November 26, 2006

Nookie Green

PG-Rated

A priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions. A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession - "Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession these are my sins. Last night I had sex with Nookie Green."

"That is your sin?"

"Yes, Father."

See the rest of "Nookie Green"

November 25, 2006

Men Jokes

PG-Rated

MEN and SEX: A recent study found out which days men prefer to have sex. It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with the letter "T" ......... examples of those days are: Tuesday Thursday, Thanksgiving, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday, and Thunday.

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November 24, 2006

Tilting to the Wind

PG-Rated

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.

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November 23, 2006

Thanksgiving Night

G-Rated

'Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned - the dark meat and white.
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

See the rest of "Thanksgiving Night"

November 22, 2006

One Serious Speed Trap

G-Rated

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November 21, 2006

Out of the Closet

PG-Rated

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy.

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November 20, 2006

Error Messages I Can Understand

PG-Rated

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November 19, 2006

Things you won't see on Hallmark cards

PG-Rated

OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am
INSIDE: that you're not here to ruin it for me.

OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas,
INSIDE: I hope it's your sister.

See the rest of "Things you won't see on Hallmark cards"

November 18, 2006

Darling, Sweetheart Etc.

PG-Rated

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy addressed his wife with endearing terms -- calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and they were still very clearly in love.

See the rest of "Darling, Sweetheart Etc."

November 17, 2006

Veterinary Bill

PG-Rated

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

See the rest of "Veterinary Bill"

November 16, 2006

Canadian, eh?

PG-Rated

A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a diner when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

See the rest of "Canadian, eh?"

November 15, 2006

How to impress women at the gym

R-Rated

See the rest of "How to impress women at the gym"

November 14, 2006

Cyber Haiku

G-Rated

Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot new portable PC called the Vaio. Instead of producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of Microsoft's Windows and DOS operating systems, Sony's chairman Asai Tawara said, "We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been until now an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry."

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November 13, 2006

Red Ears

G-Rated

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"

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November 12, 2006

Fixing Dents

PG-Rated

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a dingy blonde and decided to have some fun, so he told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

See the rest of "Fixing Dents"

November 11, 2006

Snowball Fight

X-Rated

A new weapon in the snowball wars...

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November 10, 2006

Children's Science Exams

G-Rated

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

See the rest of "Children's Science Exams"

November 9, 2006

Canadian Funny

PG-Rated

A Newfie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Toronto when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Newfie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says, "That's a karate chop from Korea."

Well, the little Newfie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer.

The burly American then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Newfie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.

See the rest of "Canadian Funny"

November 8, 2006

At the Grocery Store

R-Rated

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to checkout, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier.

The drunk said, "You must be single."

See the rest of "At the Grocery Store"

November 7, 2006

Insurance Fraud

G-Rated

Thought you might want to know about this... it could save you some money.

Seems the Better Business Bureau got a complaint the other day about a scam that AFLAC was taking advantage of women on the street and stealing their money.

This scam is netting COLD HARD CASH from unsuspecting individuals.

The way it works is the thief uses children to distract the target. While admiring the cuteness of the kids they are robbed of their cash and never know what hit them.

I'm sending this out for all to be aware that this is happening and it's right out on the streets where the general public is.

A passer by with a digital camera phone happen to capture the photo below.

Review it carefully and use caution when distractions like this come along.

Good Luck

See the rest of "Insurance Fraud"

November 6, 2006

Pun Collection

G-Rated

1. Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stops them and says "sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."

2. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.

See the rest of "Pun Collection"

November 5, 2006

VOCABULARY SPIN

G-Rated

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity....

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

See the rest of "VOCABULARY SPIN"

November 4, 2006

A Senior Moment

G-Rated

A very self-important college freshman, attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation..

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing...and, "pausing to take another drink of beer....

See the rest of "A Senior Moment"

November 3, 2006

Don't Talk to the Parrot

G-Rated

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!"

See the rest of "Don't Talk to the Parrot"

November 2, 2006

The Portrait

G-Rated

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a well-known artist.

She told the artist, "Paint me with one-carat diamond earrings, a large 2 carat diamond ring with baguettes, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful, red ruby pendant."

"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."

See the rest of "The Portrait"

November 1, 2006

Homeless Woman

G-Rated

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

See the rest of "Homeless Woman"